putrid cockroach image via Wikipedia creative commons

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Back in the day when I was young, dumb, on my own, broke as hell, and living in a rickety-ass apartment that literally had a hole in the wall…. I bought a can of green beans from the ghetto grocery store.

Got home. Grabbed my can opener. Opened the can.

And what did I behold?

There was a dead roach trapped inside from canning at the green bean factory. He had been in the can for so long, his body turned green, same color as the beans.

And you know what?

I was so hungry, I just picked that roach right out the can and ate the green beans anyways. Didn’t even think twice about it (I know. Gross, right?). The upside is that I lived to tell the tale and did not contract some sort of flesh eating roach disease. The green bean juice must’ve purified the contamination. Yes?

CHILLIN’ IN THE ROACH MOTEL

Now I know the mention of a roach motel may not seem like a savory subject, but home fitness can be much like the story I just told. The Roach Motel of Home Fitness is the spirit of making due with what you’ve got to make fitness happen despite any limitations. Accomplishing a workout in the roach motel is much better than doing nothing at all.

Ain’t got no fancy gym equipment? Think you need to have X, Y and Z before getting serious about transforming your body?

Nope. WRONG!

The beautiful thing about Roach Motel status is that it’s usually only temporary. The accommodations can slowly morph into the palatial estate of home fitness you’ve always wanted if you make that a goal.

I remember starting out at home with only a pair of 5 and 8-lb weights and a few fitness DVDs. That’s it. I built my home workout arsenal slowly and, although I’m still building it today, I’m pretty pleased with the home workout tools I’ve amassed so far. But it took time! I finally have my “palace”.

ROACH MOTEL NINJA MOVES

If you don’t have extra money right now for a full workout system or a certain piece of equipment you really want (Kettlebells are expensive), you have alternatives to get in an epic workout anyhow.

Chillin’ in the Roach Motel doesn’t mean you have to live in fitness-squalor. Make due with what you have and keep it movin’. So long as you have the ability to move your body and the will to get yo’ ass up & active, that’s all you need to get fit. The fancier stuff will come in time.

• If you don’t have a speed rope, use your “invisible” rope instead.
• No kettlebell? Then swing a dumbbell. M’kay?
• Got physical limitations? Don’t abandon the entire workout — improvise & modify the moves!
• Don’t have cash to be sinking into popular (freaking expensive!) fitness programs? Then lurk on Youtube and find some free workouts.

I’m not just blowing hot air when I say this. I’ve done all of the above at one time or another.

There is always a way. There is never NOT a way. If you truly, for-realz, honestly can’t workout because the dog ate your sports bra or your ingrown toenail is squirting out pus, you still have the ability to control your eating. Diet is more than half the battle anyways. But please refrain from slurping on canned roach juice if you can.

So tell me… ever done your workout at the roach motel? Or have you always had super-fancy workout accommodations?

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Fitness Main Objective: To be better than I’ve ever been. To challenge myself daily and never work below my potential. To reap the rewards of hard work, discipline and 100% commitment.

Short Term Goal: My 3-month fitness goal (as of Jan 1st) is to continue to reduce body fat, increase lean muscle mass, enhance cardio endurance and develop greater functional strength. I’m working towards successfully performing a handstand and full unassisted pull-up.

January 17, 2014 abs check.

I’m not officially changing my sidebar progress pics until this coming April, but I did an abs check this morning after a stellar week of good eating decisions.

After spending the entire 2013 year in the 153 to 155-lb range, it took me only one week to break the plateau by tweaking my diet in a sustainable, do-able way (more details on that are coming).

I’m now 149-lbs. I now weigh less than I did when I got married. BOOM!

Now it’s your turn. Get out a notebook. Write down your main objective and 3-month fitness goals. And yes, please snap a progress pic. I always encourage it ’round this time of year. This is your assignment. This is how we measure progress on the road to getting shit done.

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You wouldn’t want someone else to cheat on you, so why do it to yourself?

Why use negative connotations to describe anything related to how hard you are working to achieve your desired physique and health? But it sure is a lovely thang when someone treats to you something wonderful. Or you’re dang well pleased to treat yourself. That feels good, now doesn’t it?

Cheat Day. Cheat Meal. Hell-to-the-NO.

It’s a Treat Day! It’s a Treat Meal!

Whichever you prefer it to be — a day or a meal — go on and enjoy the treat. And be careful of the words you use to describe and define you.

Ps. I’m totally treating myself to a bowl of crappy cereal tonight. Capt’n Crunch, yo.

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Lapses in confidence. Negative self-talk. Not measuring up. Feeling like you aren’t capable. Never really strong enough? You have goals in mind but aren’t 100% invested in the idea that you’ll actually achieve them — maybe you could, but you might not.

These are infectious-diseases-of-thought that sometimes have their origins in outside influences. How can we thwart the possibility of infected thoughts with all the images floating around of beautiful people in their perfect little worlds? They’ve got flat abs, a lifted booty, impeccable habits, a good job and the most perfect significant other (who has great hair, by the way). Oh ya, and they have awesome sex — the hot, sweaty kind you see in movies.

Perhaps you’ve never tried living up to these standards. That’s good. But have you felt even an inkling of inadequacy after coming across one of these freaks of nature on TV, internet, or magazines?

Maybe it’s time for the Brain Condom. Protect & preserve your precious thoughts so you can get on with your life and be awesome.

Dealing with infectious people you personally know also makes you a good candidate for the Brain Condom. Those suckers can bring you down. Their negative talk, lack of wanting anything good for their life (or yours), venomous darts of criticism shot at you… whatever it is about these people that potentially jeopardizes your self confidence, you have to shield yourself.

So long as you live on this planet, craptastic influences are infecting people daily. We’ve gotta deal with these jokers — completely shut ’em down. Yet it doesn’t stop there. If you look in the mirror and spew non-constructive criticism towards self, you need this condom.

BUT HOW DOES IT WORK?

The Brain Condom is a DIY tool; an invisibility cloak for the noggin with protective thought-shielding properties that require voluntary self-installation. When you are exposed to an infection of negative words, concepts or opinions, the condom prevents that disease from settling into the cranium and altering your mindset for the worst.

The condom is totally NOT see-able to the bare eyeballs, so you won’t look like this when you wear it:

The more you activate the Brain Condom, the more effective it becomes. The secret to the condom’s success is rooted in self love, calling bullshit on negative talk that just ain’t true about you, understanding that perfection is a pipe dream, and pushing hard to make things happen when outward appearances seem to the contrary.

So tell me: Can you get down with this? It’s the Brain Condom. Wrap it up, my friend.

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NEXT TIME ON YUM YUCKY: Leg Day Workout Video