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The clock read 6:08 am. She overslept again. Sandy crawled out of bed, let out a fart, then picked the wedgie from her butt crack. There’s really no pleasant way to put it. That’s what happened.
“Good morning to me,” she groaned in a bitchy voice. Self-directed sarcasm is apparently a thing now. Shame on you for not keeping up with the trends.
Getting out of bed was the easy part; entering the hallway and traveling, ninja style, past the kid’s room to take a much-needed pee would require exceptional skill. The recruitment of additional brain cells required to strategically place her footing oh-so-gently to prevent the wood floors from creaking was pretty much a matter of life and death.
If she didn’t maneuver on the floor boards just right, it would ignite an explosive chain reaction that would begin by the kid waking up too early and totally screwing Sandy out of her workout. This apocalyptic event would conclude by the earth dislodging from its axis and our planet spinning wildly out of control throughout the universe.
Dear gawd, please don’t creak the floor boards.
Sandy pulled back her brunette bed-head into a messy bun and took that courageous first step into the hallway.
One foot maneuvers to the left. Now turn the right ankle inward in an uncomfortable, unnatural position for a 2-foot leap forward onto the toes only. Shhh! Quiet now. Keep the arms out for balance and hold breath. If breath is not held, the extra heaviness of oxygen moving in and out of the lungs is enough to cause weighted pressure on the floor boards.
Slowly… SLOWLY!!!
Whew. Sandy made it to the bathroom with impressive, silent precision.
Just as she was about to close the bathroom door, the junk in her trunk bumped John’s electro-shaver off the edge of the sink. Dammit! The shaver broke into 3 large pieces onto the floor — the kind of brokenness she hoped Krazy Glue would fix in a hurry if John wasn’t already stomping up the stairs to investigate the clanging.
John has Sasquatch feet dipped in concrete. So much for Sandy’s silent maneuvers across the floor boards. It didn’t make a difference now. She could’ve bowled herself across the hall instead, hitting every wall like a human pinball. Surely the earth is falling off its axis at this very moment. Please put on your crash helmet.
“Mom-meeeee. Where are you? I want youuuu.”
Oh great. It was the girl-child, Jilly. She has the morning voice of a 70-year-old chain smoking grandpa on valium. It’s rather unsavory for such a cute kid.
Considering John’s electro-shaver problem, he didn’t utter a word. The glazed over, psychotic look in Sandy’s eyes was enough for him to pretend it never happened. He picked up the shaver pieces in dead silence. Sandy headed down the stairs, totally ignoring Jilly’s beckoning. The child would find her anyway.
6:14 am now. Workout must be done by 6:45 am. Workout clothes not even on yet. This is not good.
At the bottom of the steps Sandy sensed that planet Krypton had also fallen of its axis. The living room — her workout space — was in shambles. Broken crayons everywhere. A roll of toilet paper streamed across the couch. Why? No one really knows. Construction paper cut into 150,498 tiny confetti pieces all over the floor (yes, she counted). DVDs strewn everywhere, including the one they bought last weekend, now cracked in half from being stepped on. A bowl of Trix cereal upside down in a pool of milk on the area rug.
It was like a scene out of Sesame Street meets Hoarders.
“What the hell!!” Sandy’s bitch-voice rose 15 decibels and redirected itself at the people responsible: Jilly and John.
Jilly’s nickname is The Destroyer. No explanation necessary. Last night John hung out with Jilly so Sandy could hit the hay early. After tucking Jilly in way too late (did he even notice the mess?), he ate a sandwich and fell asleep on the floor watching TV.
6:37 now.
Sandy’s unexpected morning maid chores ate into her workout time like a chained-up billy goat eating its first meal in weeks. But there was just enough time for some quick stretching. Better than nothing. Better than whining. Better than being all woe-is-me about the situation.
Sandy gave herself a quick attitude adjustment in an effort to lose the bitch-face, and squeezed in a few successful minutes of stretching. At 6:45 she headed back upstairs to deal with The Destroyer and Silent John before getting ready for work.
But wait… she stepped on something hard & crusty. Upon closer examination it proved to be a piece of burnt bacon from last night’s BLT’s. There was a brief, zero-point-five seconds when she thought about eating it. Because bacon makes everything all better.
THE END
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You are so funny, Josie! I think I love you!!!
Hey Mike. Thanks for stopping by today. I love you right back! xo!
SESAME STREET MEETS HOARDERS!!!!!!
Carla recently posted..If at first you don’t succeed—quit!
…yes, because that’s my life around 8pm every night: a hot mess in the living room and family room and kitchen, and and and… #pleasesendhelp
Sounds like around here, only the person who wakes up at the tap of a fly landing on the window in the next room is in the bed next to me, and he needs immediate attention upon awakening, even if i get up at 4am.
mimi recently posted..Aww Monday
Yup. Same here on some nights –right in bed next to me. And she sometimes tries to burrow under me. I have the back pain to prove it.
I dunno – do you have a camera on me when I wake up in the morning?!?! Bitch-face indeed! 😉
You’re talking about little critters. My little critter is over six feet tall and balding. :-/
Well…. once a critter, always a critter. That is the law of the land! 😉
Thank God I can workout after the kids go to school b/c I would have the bitch face ALL DAY if I couldn’t get my workout in as planned!
Allie recently posted..The Rundown: No Rest for the Weary
Bacon does make everything better.
StarvingDiva recently posted..Back to One
But dang, the only problem with having no kids is that I’M THE ONLY BITCHFACE I CAN BLAME when I get too lazy or disorganized and blow off a workout. Sigh.
Maybe from now on I’ll just blame Jilly and John too–seem reasonable?
crabby mcslacker recently posted..Secret Menus and Special Requests: Staying Healthy When Dining Out
You snuck into my home, didn’t you?
Favorite line: She had the morning voice of a 70-year-old chain smoking grandpa on valium.
misszippy recently posted..Improve your cadence
HaHa!!! I used to threaten my boys – I did not get up at 4:30 to play Merry Maid. Anything left in the middle of the floor that I had to move to workout got thrown away – outside in the garage trash!!! Worked like a charm!
Kim recently posted..Lessons Learned from my Biggest Role Model
You are awesome.
That is all 🙂
No, honey-child. YOU are the awesome one. For realz.
I lived with a slob way back. I had a 3 warning rule. Whatever was left sitting around where it shouldn’t be would end up in your cereal after 3 warnings to pick it up. Any of my brothers would have just picked the dirty socks out and started eating but not this guy so it ended up working well.
CindyB recently posted..Buoyancy
I once found my husband’s toenail in my bowl of cereal. Don’t ask.
Thankful for having the house to myself a lot! 🙂
Jody – Fit at 56 recently posted..Gratitude Monday & Feeling Good! Cookies & Family too!
I don’t have to worry about the sloppy husband and kids anymore. They all grew up and disappeared (including the husband).
What I do have to worry about is the new set of “kids” who make a BIG mess of my workout room and nearly every other room in the house. Lemme give you a hint – they each have 4 paws, floppy ears, and destructive teeth. Their names – Alvin and Simon.
Valerie recently posted..GMA Video: You Will Be Shocked At The Amount of Sugar In Our Food
Destructive teeth? You just described my children.
Please give Alvin and Simon a hug for me. 😉
Haha! How did you know how my mornings go Josie? Haha! So funny, they really are sometimes like these!
[email protected] recently posted..I did my first Virtual 5K
How did I know how your mornings go? I’m a beta-tester for the NSA spying program. My secret is now out.
Luckily, my kids were always good sleepers. Tiger Lilly has trained me to take her out before my workout. Otherwise every time I put down the weights she thinks it’s time to GO OUT!
Coco recently posted..Gearing Up For Spring
I am such a fan of Tiger Lilly. Love it every time you post a pic of that wonderful canine.
Hahaha! Thanks for the laugh! I think a lot of women can relate to this. I usually sleep very late to finish chores and work so its a constant struggle to get up in the morning.
Tell me about it! Us ladies are always on the grind.
Yes you’re right!
In my case it’s my wife who stops me from doing things which I want. Not that she don’t want to but out of love she does so.
Moin @Skin recently posted..Itchy Dry Skin Patches On Body, Face and Hands
Hopefully that lovely wife of yours would stop you from eating crusty, day-old bacon from under your foot… hopefully. ((winks))
if she watched my 5-second rule video, she wouldn’t have even thought twice about eating that bacon 😉
GiGi Eats Celebrities recently posted..The Skinny Ain’t So Confidential Anymore
Hmmm. Maybe. But Sandy has low morals when it comes too food.
This is so funny! there is so much truth inside of this post. So many mornings–especially saturday mornings the creak can make a difference between a few extra hours sleep and early morning torture from the kids 🙂
Nellie @ Brooklyn Active Mama recently posted..Tooth Brushing Made Easy With Oral-B Disney Timer App! #ProHealthKids
I think you’ve been spying on me! I knew that lady bug in the room was a secret camera that sending a feed to you! 🙂
KalleyC recently posted..5 Reasons Why I Stopped Consuming The News