How It’s Made (Unicorn Law): The unicorn beast can only be captured at the hands of a young virgin, age 18-21. This makes the meat very expensive (about $175 for a 5-ounce can) since virgins of this age are typically hard to find. Promiscuous whores of any age are prohibited from stepping foot on the unicorn farm, as is PETA – no exceptions.
While young, non-virgin baby breeders (like I was at age 20) cannot capture the beast, we do not hold it against them. These women are authorized to can the unicorn meat at the processing facility once it has been slayed. Baby breeders are paid a fair wage of $29 per hour with free on-site child care provided during unicorn canning hours.
SELECT NUTRITION FACTS
- Sparkles and Rainbows: 100 grams per serving
- Love, Kisses and Hugs: 5,000mg per bite
- Smile, Giggles and Happiness: 1,500 grams
- Superglue Loin: empty calories
The Magic Horn is inedible, but can serve as your defense in case of home invasion and, alternatively, as a device to slay your evil co-workers.
THE HUMAN MOTHER OF ALL UNICORNS
She grew a Cutaneous Horn for 20 years, but before having it surgically removed, Mother Unicorn bore many mystical beasts that spread magic and rainbows and glittery dreams.