Warning: this post is rated MV for “Mild Violence”

Beware of face slaps, body blows, and residual bruising.

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My cousin is like my sister. When we were pubescent spawns in the cocoon of adolescence, our verbal disagreements would sometimes morph into all out brawls.

I wanted to be Champion, but my strength was very weak. Cousin put a beat-down on me 98% of the time. But will she ever forget that time I slammed her leg in the car door? I swear it was an accident, yet more than 30 years later, she still thinks it was on purpose.

Why didn’t they have Chobani Champions back then?

I could have used it like Popeye’s spinach; ingesting Greek yogurt goodness to absorb the calcium and protein to get strong and handle my disagreements in a sensible kinda way.

SO WHAT IS IT LIKE?

There is no head-locking or claw scratching involved in the eating of this food. There’s no sugar overload either – just a mild grace of sweetness from evaporated cane juice.

Take note that Chocolate may require an extra boost with NuStevia to sweeten up the cocoa, but the other varieties - Honeynana, Strawnana, and Verryberry – are uber delicious without any sprucing needed.

Forget about big chunks of fruit for a kid to whine about. Champions has fruity specks with happy color. Mix it up to achieve the proper consistency (which is a tad less thick than regular Chobani). It’s nothing like Yoplait Greek, so get your taste buds out the gutter.

I can’t promise that Chobani Champions will prevent your own spawns from fighting, but it will probably keep their Food Traps filled with health-tasty bliss.

Note: You do NOT have to be a kid to eat this stuff. Whether you are child-infested or not, if you love Chobani, give Champions a try.

CHAMPIONS NOTES

• Price Paid: $3.89 for a 4-pack
• Serving size: 1 container, 4-ounces
• Calories*: 110 – 120
• Fat Calories*: 15 – 20
• Carbs*: 14g – 17g
• Fiber: Less than 1g
• Sugars*: 13g – 16g
• Protein: 9g

*depending on variety

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Greedy Kid #3: NO! I don’t wanna try it. <— do not be alarmed. This is the same guy that eats Rat Salad.

Greedy Baby happily inhales every variety except Chocolate. If she’s full too soon, I swoop in like a vulture to finish off the leftovers.

Yum UP! to: Slamming your enemy’s leg in a car door. It was an accident, dammit!

Yucky Down to: Child-infestations. 4 is enough for me.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.

Nope. I’m not gonna bash the Dairy Queen people. But I WILL roll my eyes, snark my teeth, and dream of doing Ninja moves on the guy who was there with his rugrats.

The man was out of shape and really loud on his phone. The kids did not crave his attention because they were focused on our table. Greedy Baby was letting melted ice cream ooze out of her Food Trap. Apparently, this is entertainment to surrounding restaurant eaters.

…..so the man bought each rugrat a large Blizzard AND a large soda. Double whammies. These kids were not even big enough to see over their cups. I’m guessing 6 or 7 years old. But they ate all the way down to the bottom. Like they had done that before. As if they were trained to eat that way all the time.

Unfortunately, those kids will end up like their father. And so on and so on.

I consider this type of parental behavior a form of child neglect. No regard for the child’s nutritional health and the issues that can follow, like disease, obesity, body image and social issues, etc.

What do YOU think?

Check out Dairy Queen: 400 Calories or Less.

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Ooo-la-la! Look at this assortment of candy crap. Given the wrong day under really screwed up conditions, I could eat a whole load of this stuff. Like this size.

So I’m wondering, if I only eat up to 100 calories worth – just to give my sweet tooth a mini pimp slap – how much could I get?

How many pieces does it take to get to 100 calories without going over?

• 4 Hershey’s Kisses: 88 calories (22 per piece)
• 8 Peanut M&Ms: 100 calories (12.5 per piece)
• 3 Rolos: 81 calories (27 per piece)
• 2 Reese’s Miniatures: 88 calories (44 per piece)
• 25 Reese’s Pieces: 100 calories (4 per piece)

Eh, it appears to NOT be enough.

But I have a scheme.

Since I’m most likely to turn ugly beast for sweets after lunch, I pack one Hershey’s Kiss or two Reese’s Miniatures and leave the rest at home.

My Food Trap is in training to be sensible with chocolate sweets.

But this has nothing to do with that other delectable thing that harassed me the other day. I’m still in rehab for that. So forgive me. m’kay?

How do you deal with the lure and temptation of candy crap? Or are you still in rehab?

I must be a moron because I just don’t get it. My homemade kind doesn’t have Medium Chain Triglycerides and Sodium Acid Pyrophosphate in it. Why can’t McCain Sweet Potato Fries be uncomplicated and just contain the sweet potato?

But I needed to try McCain’s anyway because of that tragedy in the kitchen. Cook ‘em up for 20 minutes and eat. Yet it’s a good thing I didn’t waste precious time sharpening the claw-part of my teeth to chomp down. It would have been for nothing.

The sweet potato flavor is NOT bold, and prominent, and present. Like this visual over here. McCain’s sub par version of the sweet potato fry is watered down and faint.

But wait.

My greedy azz ate it anyway. And so did husband.

The fries are not so terrible that I can’t eat them. You just need to know that homemade sweet potato fries are the equivalent of this guy and McCain’s version is like this guy right here.

Big, big difference.

CRINKLE NOTES

• Price Paid: $3.00 for 16-ounce bag
• Serving Size: 3 ounces
• Calories: 160
• Fat Calories: 60
• Total Fat: 7g
• Sat. Fat: 1g
• Sodium: 170mg
• Carbs: 23g
• Fiber: 4g
• Sugars: 7g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Health-hater Husband: I can barely taste the sweet potato. They crisp real nice, though.

Greedy Kid #1: Uh. No thanks.

Greedy Kid #2: You know I don’t want that.

Yum UP! to: The claw part of my teeth. I use it for special occasions.

Yuck Down to: Waiting 20 minutes for sub-par food.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.