This just in!

Two dudes are disagreeing on Twitter and battling it out with headlock maneuvers, pile drive moves and open-handed face slaps. Sorta.

Bacon and pepperoni slices are flinging through the air, interrupting people’s Twitter streams. Kinda.

The pepperoni guy has that Father of the Year, All-American image going on (Awww!) and the bacon guy has that bad-ass, in yo’ face demeanor (Whoa!). I love them both so I will NOT judge between them. We let our Twitter/Facebook peeps decide instead.

Which greasy food tastes better – Bacon or Pepperoni?

SCIENTIFIC VOTING RESULTS

• Bacon: 18
• Pepperoni: 7
• Turkey Pepperoni: 2

Pepperoni gets a beat down! Disclaimer: One person voted for “bacon wrapped pepperoni” – that vote is disqualified.

BACON/PEPPERONI AVERAGE CALORIES PER SLICE

• Bacon: 50
• Pepperoni: 27
• Turkey Pepperoni: 4

Bacon gets a beat down!

You see that. Both bacon and pepperoni got a beat down. It’s a draw, right? Or maybe I’m just a terrible moderator, so just pick one already and enjoy whichever one makes your Food Trap happy.

SELECTED COMMENTS FROM THE VOTERS

• Bacon wins, all the time. Brent C.
• Bacon…duh! Steve Gray
• Bacon makes it better. @EvanMFF
• Bacon! Bacon! I don’t like pepperoni…. @MistiCBR
• Everything is always better with bacon! @LoreLama

Another Disclaimer: these comments were selected randomly without bias. Uh huh.

Why are Kim and Scott smiling happy on the box? Their Pizza Stuffed Pretzels are a frackin’ disaster. Kimmie should be hissing with fear and I hope Scottie Boy didn’t quit his day job (but woe to him if he already cussed out his boss and resigned).

If this pretzel were a toe it would have rancid toe jam fumes with symptoms of black gangrene. It’s a bad deal, people. It seems like a cool idea at first, but once you cook it up you know damn well it’s a hot mess.

“But Josie, it’s got whole grains and it’s all natural.”

Well ya, my three chin whiskers are all natural, too, but that doesn’t mean I keep them around.

Pizza Pretzels are normal soft pretzel size and stuffed with “real mozzarella”. But it’s the REAL cheap-tasting kind. Fresh out of the microwave the outer pretzel is lawsuit-hot. You might burn the hell outta your hands and require a cash settlement. But take a bite inside and it’s cold. Frozen. A block of unmelted cheese. How does this happen?

This food was inedible so I banished it to the landfill. I wanted to stab up the box up real good, too. I started to do that. You see it?

PRETZEL NOTES

• Price Paid: $4.59 for box of 4 (I got ripped off)
• Calories: 280 per pretzel
• Fat Calories: 35
• Total Fat: 4g
• Sat Fat: 1.5g
• Sodium: 280 mg
• Carbs: 48g
• Fiber: 3g
• Sugars: 3g
• Protein: 11g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Health-hater Husband: It tastes cheap and processed.

Greedy Kid #3 & Greedy Baby are wrestling right now. They are not hungry.

YUM UP! to: The tweezers that pluck out my chin whiskers.

YUCK Down to: Kimmie and Scottie’s next recipe invention. I am not interested.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.

I just saw a Dentyne commercial. They said their chewing gum with “purify your breathe”. Too bad I was NOT concerned with breath purification when I experienced two real life Food Trap horrors. These situations are very different from the trauma of that watery horror when my entire body was stranded in the ocean with sea creatures. These traumas were more localized to the Food Trap region. My mouth was under assault….

DRINK YO’ MILK!

I was hanging with my Aunti when I was age 6. She was a teenager, still a kid herself. And I hated milk. I never EVER drank milk.

Aunti invited me outside to help her wash the car. She had a drink in her hand – she offered me her cup of milk, and for once in my life I decided to drink up. I took a huge swig… and then realized I wasn’t drinking milk.

It was Dove Dish Soap – that old school milky-looking kind. I swigged the dish soap Aunti was going use to wash the car.

GIMME SUMMA WATER!

This just happened the other day. There was bottle of water on the table. It was there for two days and it bugged me that it was opened, sipped maybe one time and then left there. Wasted! But I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. That is not economical.

After a 3-mile run I came in the door. I grabbed that water bottle and swigged hard.

Too bad it wasn’t water.

Pure vinegar is what it was. Greedy Kid #1 put vinegar in a bottle for cleaning the bathrooms. (ya, vinegar is good for house cleaning). Too bad I ingested that sh!t like a thirsty camel.

Why do the bad things happen to me and only me? Or do YOU have a horror story too?

[photo]

Behold the park that has the 3-mile trail, the tennis courts, basketball, and more. So why did I choose to steer away from that stuff and go off the beaten path?

The sign says “Danger”, but my eyeballs detected no dangerous conditions. Must be an old sign. So I went over there, ya know?

But let me tell you this: when a sign says “Danger” or cautions you in whatever words it chooses for you to stay the hell away. Just do it, dammit.

I thought I was cool. I thought I was adventurous to be posing with a dangerous sign. And you know what happen? That damn sign was mangled all to hell with steel shards sticking out the side, right where my face was.

I got my face tore all to hell. There was pain. Redness. Swelling. The shock of those mangled shards coming into contact with my purr-deee skin is written all over my face. Greedy Kid #1 photographed the actual assault in real time.

FRACKIN’ SIGN!!

I confess to you my disobedience. I should NOT have stepped into Danger. But I did squeeze in a 1 mile walk AND 2-mile run in highly humidified conditions immediately following the injury.

Because I’m tough. I might be a dumb azz. But at least…I’m tough.

I never thought to ask this question, but Leopard Woman makes it impossible to not think about it.

I took that pic of her while shopping for Taste Tests. I admire her sass with the mohawk and green makeup (you can’t see it in the pic), but I’m not so sure about the overflowing self-confidence that told her it was okay to step out in a leopard print body suit that only goes down to the crotch with boobs practically hanging out.

She is obviously confident in her curves, and that is okay, but is this the right way to declare it to the world?

Everyone talks about the terrible-ness of negative body image, but what about excessive POSITIVE body image? Is there such a thing? If a woman confidently walks around looking like a prostitute on lunch break, is that too much positive body image? Or it is simply a case of “no class”, or lack of home training, or “I need a man, dammit!“, or something else?

I dunno.