Wait. How the hell did I get so old? Oh, that’s right. It’s year 2043. You’re still reading this blog? Shouldn’t you be flossing your dentures and eating jello through a straw?

…rewinds back to 2012…

So now that the Aging Booth has used their crackhead crystal ball to forecast what I’m supposed to look like in 31 years, how can I prove these bastards wrong? I’m 39 years old now, and something’s been going on with my face for, hmmm, a little over a year now.

In addition to the spontaneous woman-whiskers that show up on my chin (I keep emergency tweezers in my pocket for that), I’ve also been noticing fine lines around my eyes, random dark spots (age spots?), a bit of darkness and dryness under my eyeballs, and other imperfections that I terribly disapprove of.

I chatted with a fancy makeup specialist in an effort to purchase expensive magical makeup to cause my face to appear anti-mature. What she explained to me during my consultation was a serious wake up call:

“Those spots on your face are sun damage,” she says.

“Wait. Black people can get sun damage?” I said.

“Yeah bitch, so stop being a dumbass and protect your face from the freaking sun,” she says to me.

…at least that’s how I heard it.

Turns out I’m supposed to be using an SPF product on my face. And I do. I have! But not faithfully. And now my sporadic face care has finally caught up to me. I freaked out real good that day and bought an SPF 50, and a bunch of make up that’s still sitting in the closet. Was that overkill?

Since then I’ve been through a lot of face care products that suck, either because I didn’t like them on my face and/or they were too dang expensive. So I’m shopping at Target one day when this Boots rep starts talking to me about my face. Now allow me to keep this docu-drama short (I know, I know, you want the longest version available), and I’ll just tell you that I finally found my anti-aging face care match.

It’s gentle, effective, therapeutic, invigorating, makin’ my face clear & bright, affordable… AND! I feel so pampered. That’s what Boots does for me.

Boots No7 Lifting & Firming Eye Cream:

Ahhh. This eye cream is luscious and emollient and feels so good around my eyes. It’s smooth and hydrating, not oily. I was never sold on the idea of anti-aging creams in the past, but I’ve seriously noticed that the area around my eyes is much brighter with a rejuvenated, perky appearance. SCORE!

Boots No7 Total Renewal Micro-dermabrasion Exfoliator:

After reading an awesome micro-dermabrasion overview, I knew this treat could be really good for me. And it has been! Prior to micro-dermabrasion my face looked tired and splotchy. I also had old scarring from zits that I picked at a long time ago. But after only a few treatments with micro-dermabrasion, I can see the evenness returning to my skin and much brighter appearance. That matted, gray-ish, tired look in my face is outta here, baby! ** follow micro-derm instructions very carefully.

Now I know what you’re thinking. I don’t need this stuff. I don’t look my age. There’s no doubt that a clean diet, lots of water, not wearing 35 layers of makeup everyday and NOT smoking has helped my face stay fresh. But the older I get, I cannot deny the aging I see creeping up. That’s where my Boots stash does me good.

• Boots Expert Anti-Blemish Cleansing Foam (not pictured)
• Boots Expert Sensitive Gentle Cleaning Foam
• Boots Expert Sensitive Hydrating Moisturizer
• Boots No7 Lifting & Firming Eye Cream
• Boots No7 Total Renewal Micro-dermabrasion Exfoliator

The lesson here? If you’re in your 20′s, use a good SPF daily. If you’re in your 30′s and beyond, care for your face well with the right products so it can love you back. If you can’t find Boots products at Target, or you’re just too lazy to go there, then follow this link to shop Boots anti-aging while sitting on your ass.

As your brain cells have probably concocted through visual observation, my ass was struggling to get up that pole. The pic is from the pathetic pole climbing blog post where I boldly proclaimed…

“I double-dare myself to get to the top of that dang pole. It may take a month. It may takes six months. It better not take a year.”

Over two years later, and I still haven’t made it up that damn pole. I barely even tried.

It was a goal, but I didn’t have a plan of attack. This so-called goal was really nothing more than a stank brain fart of an idea. And it went stagnant inside my cranium, collecting rotten maggot residue and other offensive non-actions.

BUT WHY?

Because I never put expectations on myself, nor did I hold myself accountable to achieve it. There’s obviously is a difference between a real goal and a stank brain fart. Obviously.

But what sets the two apart?

Expectations and Accountability.  These are the two powerhouses that MUST be in the mix. I call them “ass movers”, because they get your ass moving closer to your goals. Expectations get you taking action, because anything less would be unacceptable, and Accountability obligates you to follow through ‘lest you have to face up to explaining why you didn’t.

Yet I dare to say most of us place higher expectations on other people than we do on ourselves. If other people (spouse, kids, co-worker, friend, etc) don’t meet our expectations, we have a bitch fit, complain to others about it, hold them accountable for it and demand they get their shit together and not fluck up again. Tell me I’m wrong. No?

But on ourselves? Do you demand you get your shit together right then and there? Or it is a more lackadaisical approach where you get around to doing better. Eventually.

When you fluck up, treat yourself as you would someone else you have expectations of. Don’t whine and get wussy and curl into a ball of supposed failure. Get pissed about it. Even get a little mad. Call it “contained fury”, if you will. Then translate that fury into ass-moving actions.

Pole climbing is no longer a goal of mine, but the goals I do have are infested with expectations and accountability. So now it’s your turn. Put on a pair of ass movers and git to it!

Ps. Don’t just read this post and then go off somewhere to pick up your nostrils or braid your armpit hairs. You need to seriously be thinking of what Expectations and Accountability mean in the grand plan of your goals.

24 hours. Yesss. But it’s not like you might think.

Now consider this….

Your workout isn’t over after that last drop of sweat hits the floor. Your workout is comprised of EVERYTHING you do within a 24-hour period. It’s in the foods you shove into your mouth. It’s how long you sit on your ass. It’s in how much sleep you get. It’s in your motivation to keep your life organized so the time you reserve for sweaty fitness isn’t compromised.

Everything you do within a 24 hour period contributes to making your fatty parts melt — NOT just your actual workout with cardio and weights. I know you know this, but are you LIVING this? Are you making the rest of your day count as much as you would the time you spend on a treadmill or doing workout DVDs? It all counts towards your goals. All 24-hours of it.

24-HOUR PHILOSOPHY: THE EXPERIMENT

I took this philosophy and infused it into my brain stem over a period of several days for experimental testing. I rolled with it and convinced myself of the notion that “I’m working out all day”, not just those 30 minutes of burpees and speed rope.

And the results?

The all-day workout mode led to better eating decisions, especially on the weekend, and even at restaurants. I felt more empowered to say “no” to unhealthy crap throughout the day. Why? Because I was in the middle of a workout, of course. No way I was gonna eat chocolate pudding cake or bacon strips during a workout. Who does that?

I was also motivated to move more all day long without bitching about it. I had a better attitude about pulling weeds and other laborious activities when I really wanted to be watching the taped shows on my DVR. Overall I avoided much more greedy/lazy activities that could have bamboozled my 24 hour day.

It worked for me and it can for you, too. The 24 hour workout philosophy first takes place in the mind and translates into actions that lead to more effective, faster fitness progress.

Don’t I sound all scientific ‘n stuff? Am I getting too deep for ya? Don’t be scared of my knowledge, yo.

If your fatty parts seem to be clinging to you like super glue dipped in blast-resistant cement, try a 24 hour workout.

[photo credit]

Afternoons at work can suck. By 3pm my morning workout endorphins are definitely depleted and I’m just about annoyed with sitting in the dang office chair at this point. So you know how men think about sex almost 20 times per day? Well, on workday by 3pm, I’ve probably thought about muffins and cupcakes and other forms of delectable goodness more than 472 times already.

Don’t worry. They’re just thoughts. I don’t act on these impulses.

So the idea of a “Power Muffin” recently popped into my head. I wanted a muffin that’s tasty, yet works for me with a seriously healthy power boost. This muffin must also whiplash my stomachs into satisfaction so I don’t fall prey to unhealthy crap before dinner.

Wouldn’t you agree that to be powerful?

After turning to Google, it seems the idea of Power Muffins has already been done a gazillion times over in all kinds of different ways. So instead of reinventing the muffin from scratch, I chose Oh She Glows Flax & Oat Breakfast Power Muffin recipe and adapted it with very slight changes to fit my empowerment needs.

Here’s what I did and this is what I call it:

3PM Workday Power Muffins (adapted from Angela Liddon at Oh She Glows)

Ingredients

• 1 large ripe banana
• 2 tsp olive oil
• 1 egg
• Just shy of 1/4 cup brown sugar (unpacked)
• 1/2 cup ground flaxseed
• 1/4 cup whole wheat flour
• (heaping) 1/2 cup oats
• 1/2 tsp baking soda
• 1 small handful crushed walnut pieces

Directions

• Preheat over to 350 and place cupcake liners into muffin tin.
• Mash banana in bowl and then mix in oil, egg and sugar.
• In separate bowl, mix flaxseed, flour, oats and walnuts. Then combine with wet ingredients and stir until blended.
• Spoon mixture into muffin tin and bake for 15 minutes (or a few minutes longer if not done yet).

Yields 5-6 muffins. Approximately 200 calories per muffin.

Wohoo! And you see how my muffins turned out in the pic. Delish. Nice and moist with a subtle hint of sweetness. Just perfect. And you gotta read up on the benefits of flaxseed. The knowledge of the flaxseed will send shockwaves into your cranium — high in Omega 3′s and protects against cancer to name a few. Do NOT ignore foods that protect against cancer!

Okie dokie. Love you much,

Josie

I was bitchy. Moody. Even feeling a little evil. Almost had a meltdown, too.

“Well, what the hell was your freaking problem, Josie?”

Thank you for asking. It turns out my fitness was staring into the face of Craptastic. I wasn’t getting enough sleep awhile back, and it was causing me all sorts of problems.

I wanted to slap somebody, starting with all the stupid people. I wanted to drop kick the ice cream man in the throat for not driving down my street. I wanted to tell the husband, “wash your own damn clothes!” (might still do that), and I started to slightly not give a damn if I ate too much popcorn and other forms of tantalizing carbohydrates.

Did I mention I almost had a meltdown? All because I wasn’t getting enough sleep.

That’s Craptastic Fitness, ya’ll. You ever teeter on the lines of Craptastic?

I do possess a magical solution that healed me of this ailment. Spring Cleaning! You know, clear out the fitness cobwebs — get rid of shoddy tactics that aren’t working, but you haven’t changed yet. Spruce up the place a bit. Bring some freshness into your fitness so it doesn’t suffer instead. When summer gets here I don’t wanna hear you boo-hooing because your Craptastic ratio is still elevated.

Craptastic Fitness includes but is not limited to…

• Not enough sleep.
• No change in fitness routine to keep the body guessing.
• Not pushing yourself to the next level.
• Too lazy to commit to anything beyond easy.
• Lack of improved food choices (at some point, you just gotta start doing better).
• Other people/things/situations always taking precedence over YOU.
• Other Craptastic stuff my brain cells can’t think of right now.

Got any fitness cobwebs hanging? Craptastic is NOT the hot look for summer, so take care of it right now while there’s still plenty of time. If you’re desperate for spring cleaning supplies I’ve got a crusty mop out back you can rent.