First it was the cheesecake incident. And now this. Do you see it?

Someone took a bite out of my deodorant. It went missing about a week ago (don’t worry — I have backups, so whatever you’re smelling is NOT me). Then the deodorant mysteriously re-appeared, but with teeth marks in it.

So take a wild guess at the culprit.

Greedy Baby has been growing sticky fingers lately. She will take your keys. Your earrings. Your unopened mail. Possibly anything that’s not bolted down. And then she hides it. I’ve even found petrified slices of cheese tucked in cozy little places.

I thought my deodorant was safely inaccessible to the child, but nooo. Greedy Baby swiped my deodorant and took a chunk out of it with the claws of her teeth. “I bit it, but I didn’t eat it,” she tells me. Umm, okay then. Well that just fixes everything, now doesn’t it?

Momcation / mämˈkāSHən/  A vacation away from the kid(s) so the mom can NOT deal with any bullshit for a little while, like watching 15 straight episodes of Barney & Friends or making sammiches the child asks for and then doesn’t want 5 seconds after you make it or when the older kid washes the same load of clothes 3 damn times because she was too lazy to take it out the washer the 1st & 2nd times she washed it and like when the other kid won’t shut up about a pair of $120 Polo boots he wants from Nordstrom (effing Nordstrom!) even though I just bought him a new Xbox 360 … and… and… and… I need a momcation. And some uneaten deodorant, please.

“Conversations With a Greedy Azz Kid”

((the phone rings))

Me: Hello?

Greedy Kid #1: Mom, you are sooo jealous of me right now.

Me: ((in sarcastic voice)) Why should I be? Because you’re working late and won’t be home till 10 tonight?

Greedy Kid #1: Nope. Because I’m eating a cheesecake right now.

Me: ((insert jealous feelings here)) We’ll you’re the one gaining calories, not me.

Greedy Kid #1: But I’m also gaining the tastiness of the cheesecake. It’s all rich and fluffy and delicious.

Me: ((hangs up phone until she gets the dial tone))

Children should not be able to flaunt their cheesecake unless the parent is within arms reach to take away their cheesecake and have it for themselves.

It’s time for some photographic accountability! Last month I encouraged YOU to rely more on periodic photo-taking to gauge your fitness progress instead of the numbers on the scale. I previously scheduled myself for a January 2012 progress pic, so here it is! My next picture is scheduled for April 2012. How about you?

Personal Observations On My Progress Pic

1) The more weight I lose in my mid-section, the looser and wrinkly my stomach skin gets (can anyone else relate?). I can literally grab a small handful of skin on the lowest part of my belly. It’s not tight. And thanks to 4 pregnancies, my stomach skin also hangs a bit when I do planks and push-ups. In light of Hannah’s tummy tuck journey, I’m keeping that open as a future possibility for myself as well. I don’t need a tummy tuck to make myself feel beautiful and confident (because I already do) — I just consider the tummy tuck an optional aesthetic enhancement. It’s kind of like plucking that reoccurring woman-whisker outta my chin — that’s a bit of optional enhancement I believe in.

2) I’ve successfully kept the bod tight since the last progress picture in October 2011. This is solid proof that you can enjoy some greediness in your life and still stay on track. Because my ass was surely greedy all month long in December. Holla!

3) Diets in Review just published an article about me: True Weight Loss Story: Mother of 4 Not Too Busy to Lose 30 Pounds. Check it out and learn more about my weight loss journey from the beginning, including my transition into clean eating.

So remember this: Pictures don’t lie. Get on the progress picture bandwagon and make your next “before & after” picture comparison ROCK! There’s just something about knowing you have an upcoming picture that makes you get up off your booty cheeks and work hard. Stay accountable and don’t you dare make excuses.

XOXO,

Josie

January 2012 is the month of…

No More Jiggle In the Middle

Live it. Breath it. Work your ass off and get it done. Say hello to your January anthem. Now repeat after me (and remind yourself every day this month):

“No more jiggle in the middle!” 

Ahhh. Don’t you love the way that sounds? You’re gonna LIKE the way no-more-jiggle looks on you, too.

So what’s it gonna take in this fresh, new month of January for you to begin (or continue) to reclaim your mid-section? I encourage you to create a very personal plan that is targeted, specific and precise to your own situation and goals. Because without targeted, specific and precise, you’re gonna be filled with randomness and wanderings all over the place that keep you going nowhere.

…or do you prefer to default to the slimming vest because you said to me, “No thank you, bitch”  in response to January’s theme:

You know you need change. You have goals. And now you’ve got work to do. I wanna know how you intend to stay steadfast on the road to No More Jiggle in the Middle every single day this month. Let’s hear it!

This sweet potato pie grew eyeballs and became extra rude to me. It stared me down in a brazen attempt to get into my stomach(s). Yep. That pie you see right there is the very same pie in my fridge right now — eyeballs and all. But it didn’t take too kindly to being turned down by yours truly. I didn’t eat it.

Oh my eff-ing gawsh, it won’t stop looking at me.

Do some of your favorite foodstuffs grow eyeballs, too? Please tell me I’m not alone…