Yum Yucky

Trader Joe’s roasted plantain chips are the shizzle.

April 17, 2013 By yumyucky 24 Comments

Do ya feel like noshing? Interested in a short bout of mindless munching? Do you require salty & crunchy without adding a layer of fat-padding to your butt cheeks?

It was only after I ate an entire bag of plantain chips from the Asian corner market, that I realized… Oh snap! These plantain chips are fried! What have I done!?

There was much horror and agony that followed this fried food revelation. Yet that accidental event of gnawing on an entire bag of fried treats began my search for a ROASTED plantain chip.

Alas! My stomach’s prayers have been answered. I’m too lazy to make the chips from scratch. The last fresh plantain I bought rotted at the bottom of a bowl of fancily displayed apples on the kitchen counter. Gonna keep snagging the Trader Joe’s Roasted Plantain Chips instead. I recently purchased my 4th bag.

Ingredients: plantains, sunflower oil & salt. That’s it.
Calories: 140 for 20 chips
Sodium: 50mg
Sugars: 0g

Plantain health benefits.

The chips are thick — not ultra thin like “normal chips”, and provide instant satisfaction without all the ruckus of slicing the plantain, using up your precious time (when you could be couch-azzing), and waiting for it to roast. Ain’t nobody got time fo’ dat!

But I’m really mad at Amazon. They overcharge for these chips like a mo-fo. We’re talking a 200% markup!

I am a lover of Amazon (a shopaholic even), and I often direct you to products I recommend that are listed on their site, but the Amazon pricing for TJ’s chips is downright rude…

$1.99 per bag at the store breaks down to $5.99 per bag if you buy on Amazon. Huh?

I (attempted) to write a product review on their site to complain about the unfair pricing, but I got an email back within minutes that my review didn’t meet their community guidelines. The review was real respectable and non-volatile. I didn’t even cuss or anything. What the hell?

If you don’t have a Trader Joe’s nearby, feel free to not be lazy ~~like me~~ and roast the chips from scratch. Just slice ‘em thin using a non-ripe plantain, toss in a tiny bit of olive oil, sprinkle with salt (or sea salt, if your fancy), and then roast them up until roasty.

The salty-crunchy experience will bring ginormous satisfaction to your chewing jaws. If plantains just aren’t your thing, you could always try homemade kale chips instead. They’re real tasty ‘n stuff.

Ever try plantain chips or kale chips? Don’t miss the boat on this healthy snacktopia of deliciousness!

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…they shouted obscenities at the biohazard troops, demanding answers.

April 15, 2013 By yumyucky 8 Comments

“Beatrice, wake up! WAKE UP! What the hell is going on, Bea?”

Bill was frantic. He had fallen asleep on the family room floor again. Normal stuff. It was 6am now. Beatrice had enough sense to crawl bed into the night before. That was normal, too. Bill was a manly-man type of guy. Ballsy and great with tools. A wearer of Old Spice deodorant. Real macho stuff.

Yet this particular morning was so extremely abnormal that Bill almost shit his pants out of pure fear. His heart wasn’t racing from the bolt up the stairs to wake his wife. His heart was pounding out of his chest way before that.

“Bea, please tell me I’m dreaming. This isn’t real, is it?” His hands were shaking. His breathing was labored, almost to the point of hyperventilation. Bill took hold of both of Beatrice’s shoulders as she lay there groggy. He tried to shake his sleeping wife awake. The urgent pleading in his voice begged hopelessly for confirmation that he was experiencing some sort of lucid dream.

Surely he’d break free from his slumber, get up off the floor, take a whiz, and then make some Keurig coffee.

“What? What’s the matter, Bill? I’m tired. Leave me alone.” Beatrice rolled over to turn away from this nagging irritation of a man. She put the covers over her head and let out an accidental fart. It was Saturday. Their girls had slept over their friend’s house a few blocks away. These were perfect conditions for Beatrice to have lazy morning. Why did Bill have to ruin it?

“Please tell me I’m dreaming, Bea.” The anxiety in his voice just went up 5 notches. He pulled the covers completely off her in one fell swoop, sort of like a magician does that “pull the tablecloth off a table” trick.

Beatrice popped up really fast and sat up straight in bed, as if her entire body had been injected with a triple-dose of instant Viagra. “No Bill, you are NOT dreaming. What the hell is your malfunction? Give me back my covers, you bastard.”

“Please, Bea. Just look outside. Tell me this isn’t real.” Bill tried to grab her hand. She pulled back, confused. Things were not good between the two of them. Hand-grabbing was not normal. Bill hadn’t touched Bea in months. She looked at him, still confused, yet allowed him to take her hand. She got out of bed and Bill lead her to the bedroom window.

“Look at this. Please wake me up,” he said.

Bea was speechless. All she could manage from her mouth was a whimper. She put her hand over her mouth as her legs got weak. She leaned in on Bill to help prop her up. Leaning on Bill wasn’t normal either.

NOTHING WOULD BE THE SAME FROM THIS POINT FORWARD

There were helicopters — at least five — holding & hovering about 500 feet off the ground. Bea regained her footing and ran downstairs to the front door. The scene was organized, yet chaotic from her point of view.

Large military trucks rolled slowly down the street. US Military, to be exact. A voice recording blasted from one of the vehicles. It was a stern, brute voice that did not speak of recommendations or suggestions, but rather, commands:

“You are not to leave this sector. Stay in your homes until you are given further instructions. Any violation of these orders will be considered an act of terrorism against the United States government and you will be dealt with accordingly. You will receive further instructions at a later time. You are not to leave this sector. Stay in your homes until you are given further instructions…

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Filed Under: Fiction

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We’re at DEFCON 3. Don’t take this lightly. Here’s what you need to do about it.

April 12, 2013 By yumyucky 14 Comments

Friday, April 12, the US raised its nuclear alert status to DEFCON 3, Condition Yellow (out of 5 levels), stating “There are currently no imminent nuclear threats against the United States at this time, however the situation is considered fluid and can change rapidly.” ~source

Whoa. I thought this stuff only happened in movies? This is because of all the North Korea hoopla you’ve been hearing about in the news.

DEFCON stands for “Defense Condition”. We’re at level 3 now. Level 5 is the best, meaning, the lowest state of readiness where everything is honky-dorky. Level 1 is “hold onto your panties and run for you life because the shit just hit the fan”.

image source: wikipedia

To put this into perspective, we previously reached DEFCON 3 during the September 11 attacks. We reached DEFCON 2 during the Cuban Missile Crisis in 1962.

But this is a health & fitness blog, so why am I howling about all this DEFCON nonsense? I’m telling you this as a “just in case” alert in the interest of protecting the health & safety of your and your family.

So let’s go through this…

Even if you think the idea of nuclear war is far-fetched, the North Koreans STILL have the ability to knock out our power grid with an EMP attack. EMP stand for Electromangetic Pulse. This EMP would basically knocked out our power grid for an extended period of time. I’m talking months to possibly a year. It would be total blackout conditions. We’d have no reliance on anything that runs on electricity. This threat is so serious that the our government even has an EMP Commission to assess the treat of attacks. I suggest you do some Googled-reading on EMPs.

So, an EMP would affect anything you rely on for electricity. Got money in the bank? You won’t be able to get it out of an ATM. Want some clean water to flow through your home’s pipes? Your city or county won’t have the ability to purify the water because that requires pumps and electricity. Toilet flushing would be obsolete. If you’re hot or cold, heating and air conditioning will be a thing of the past. You won’t even be able to listen to a radio, because an EMP not only knocks out power, it destroys electrical appliances and electrical equipment.

Are you following me here?

Grocery stores would be emptied out in a few short hours. It wouldn’t be a pretty scene if you had to do some last minute shopping for basic necessities. No cell phones either. It would be a state of absolute chaos. And it could happen.

Perhaps this is all overkill. Am I blowing things out of proportion? Nah, I don’t think so. All I’m asking is that at the very minimum, you keep a extra food, water and medical supplies on hand. A portable toilet is a good idea, too. If you can’t get access to your money, have something to barter with. Oh, and something to defend yourself and secure your home, too. There could be riots.

I keep preaching to you about Potassium Iodide pills. Please…go get some. This isn’t even a suggestion anymore. Just go get some!

It’s DEFCON 3, my friends. Don’t take that lightly. Don’t be that person who ignored this warning, talkin’ about: “I should’ve listened to what Josie said. Now I’m filled with radiation and the power grid is down, and I can’t run on my treadmill and I’m all hungry and dehydrated ‘n stuff”.

M’kay?

Filed Under: Health & Wellness

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This is how I get treated round here…

April 10, 2013 By yumyucky 24 Comments

It’s only fitting that you feel sorry for me… after achieving this fresh-juiced goodness (2 apples, 1/2 a pineapple and 4 carrots), I then chilled the juice, but couldn’t get the top off the lid.

Who cares, right?

Me: Honey, I can’t get the top off this jar. Can you help me?

Him: Why can’t you get this off? You’d think with all those muscles you have, you’d be able to open a damn jar.

((grumble))

The verbal browbeating I get in this house is outrageous. If I had a camera crew, I’d film a self-made reality show. You’d be pleasantly horrified at the foolery that goes on around here. I might get me that camera crew yet.

I was actually planning something better for you today, but last night I drifted off into a catatonic state of sleepy delirium and barely awoke this morning…

See ya again real soon.

Filed Under: Eat Right

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Easy-Cheesy Stovetop Mac and Cheese

April 8, 2013 By yumyucky 33 Comments

I was persecuted for taking this picture…

…the Husband said: “I’m trying to cook and you’re in the way. You’re over here taking pictures of mac & cheese like you’re some type of food critic. If you don’t get the hell outta here….”

See that? Persecution.

And then what happened? Welp, he told me to get out. So I did. Then 30-seconds later he asks me to help him in the kitchen. I pretended not to hear him.

My Easy-Cheesy Stovetop Mac & Cheese (scroll down for the recipe) is filled with evil ingredients. There’s pasta carbs and cheesiness, and milk-dairy too. And more dairy from the real butter. Downright offensive. Isn’t it?

I make this for the family maybe twice a month. And ya, I eat it too. My only-in-moderation mojo allows me to enjoy a small bowl of the mac without guilty feelings. It’s a better, tastier alternative to boxed mac & cheese products. There’s a big food fight going on with Kraft about the artificial dyes in they put in their stuff.

Check out this out:

The thing is, you may not even like Kraft. But it’s not about that. The point is, Kraft is proudly disrespecting us consumers by serving up chemical-laden food marketed towards our children. This is has got to stop. Kraft and other blatantly insensitive food companies will only go as far as we allow them to, which is why I make homemade mac & cheese for my family. Kraft will NOT get my hard earned dollars. Here’s the entire line of products served up by Kraft. Just in case you’re curious.

And now on to the recipe…

EASY-CHEESY STOVETOP MAC & CHEESE

THE INGREDIENTS (serves 4 greedy people)

1/2 package of elbow or rotini noodles (approximately 1/2 of a one-pound box)
3/4 of a package (from 8-ounce package) of sharp shredded cheddar
up to 1/3 cup skim milk
2-3 pats of real butter (no fake crap)
sprinklings of salt & pepper

All measurements are approximate. This is a very loosey-goosey recipe that you can cater to your own liking. Double everything to serve more hungry peoples.

DIRECTIONS

Cook noodles according to package directions. Drain, then set aside.
Melt butter in pot, then add milk and cheese. Stir this concoction for about 15-20 seconds to encourage meltiness.
Add drained noodles to the pot, then stir until melted cheesiness is mixed throughout.
Add more cheese, milk and/or butter as desired, as well sprinklings of salt & pepper. Garlic powder is a nice touch, too.
Now serve it up and begin to chew…

This recipe can be whipped together in about 15 minutes. If you’ve got kids to feed, or you yourself are just plain hungry, it’s pretty convenient as part of dinner or weekend lunch. And ya, no food dyes. BOOM!

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