Laziness is an art form. You should not feel bad about it. The techniques presented here are revolutionary. Don’t say I never helped you with anything…
#1. PROPER COUCH-AZZING POSITION: It’s an absolute must. If you didn’t know this already you are not worthy to indulge in laziness. Proper technique also requires creative use of blankets and/or pillows for ultimate lazy-comfort. Alternatively, you can lay your ass on the floor.
#2. BUCKET OF CRAPPY FOOD: Highly recommended. If you choose to be lazy while chomping on healthy food… well, that’s just all kinds of wrong. Grab some chips or something. Recommended food pairings also include Cheetos with Kool-Aid, popcorn with extra butters and/or multiple slabs of Bacon Jerky.
#3. IF POSSIBLE, HAVE A CHILD NEARBY: Preferably, one who is not yet old enough to think fully for themselves. That way, when you command them to bring you cold drinks & snacks, there will be little-to-no fussing or back-talk from the kid. Although teenagers have the delusional idea they can 100% think for themselves, please save yourself the bullcrap. Use a younger kid instead.
#4. TELEVISION REMOTE: Either have it nearby or act like you don’t know how to use the damn thing so someone will change the channel for you. I used the, “Oh my gawd, I don’t know what I’m doing” technique last week. It worked out well. The hubs came into the room and recorded my favorite show for me. So yes, this works.
#5. HEATING & COOLING SMARTPHONE APP: This is technologically impressive stuff for the most advanced lazy person. A heating & cooling app on your smartphone will empower you to not have to get your lazy ass up to adjust the thermostat setting in your home. Alternatively, you can bitch & whine until someone else adjusts the temperature for you. That is also very effective.
#6. BONUS LAZY TIP FOR MOTHERS OF BOTTLE-FED BABIES: If the baby cries in the middle of the night wanting to eat, pretend you are sleeping. Pretend you don’t hear a damn thing so the husband will have to get up instead. I used this lazy technique frequently when my gremlin-children were babies. It’s very effective.
Disclaimer: The art of laziness is best performed in occasional bouts, intermixed with an active lifestyle. Be lazy at your own risk. I will not be held liable for excess laziness that leads to back pain, weight gain, or personal guilt stemming from you sitting on your ass for too long.
Do you find these tips uber-fabulous? Got any lazy techniques you’d like to share? Hit me up in the comments, baby.