…but before we get into this round of featured Food Trap selections, I first need to bitch to you excessively about the Attune Mint Chocolate Probiotic Bar. I drove 35 freaking miles round trip because the Attune store locator said the Bar was carried at this hippie-ish natural food store that’s real out of the way ‘n such. So I drive really far (on my lunch break, at that) and the store doesn’t have the damn Bars. Attune Chocolate is highly delicious and probiotically beneficial. I’ve been wanting another taste for close to a year now, but I’m done searching high and low, and racking up vehicle mileage in an expedition to find this elusive bionic chocolate bar. Yes, you can order it online, but you also have to pay a premium for heat-sensitive shipping. I’m too cheap for that. Oh, and somebody owes me gas money.

Zevia Ginger Ale Natural Soda: Lemme just break it down to you like it says on the can: “Zevia contains no sugar and no calories. It’s made with 100% natural ingredients, including Stevia, a botanical sweetener used around the world for hundreds of years. It’s what soda should always have been.” Nice! It also contains the sugar alcohol erythritol, which doesn’t effect blood sugar and is no big deal to me (unless you get gassy from it). Zevia is decent tasting. It reminds me of store brand ginger ale — not terrible but not the #1 best ginger ale either. I detected a slight aftertaste after slurping a few gulps, but still definitely worth trying if you can find it at the store. I also peeped Cola, Orange and Grape flavors of Zevia.

No caffeine, no gluten, zero net carbs. Zero calories and fat, Sodium 20mg, Sugars 0, Erythritol 7g, Protein 0g

Barbara’s Baked Cheese Puffs: It’s a cheese puff. How fancy could it be? Welp, the natural cheesiness really shines through. And it’s made with cornmeal, which gives it a pleasant texture and taste that’s NOT like the others. Consider it a healthier side item to eat alongside a sammich or while couch-assing. Barbara’s Baked Cheese Puffs have no artificial flavors, colors or preservatives, and no hydrogenated oils either, so it empowers you to get puffy with no guilt. Unfortunately, I allowed Greedy Kid #3 to run off with the bag after dinner. I trusted him. But by bed time the whole dang thing was empty. Yes, I’m a terrible mother for insufficiently monitoring the child’s greediness. Just go on and say it, why don’t ya.

150 Cal for 1.5 cups, Fat Cal 90, Total Fat 10g, Sodium 200mg, Carbs 14g, Fiber 1g, Sugars 1g, Protein 2g

Quaker Hearts Cereal: This one can be accurately described as “fake Alpha-Bit’s cereal for grown-ass folks and kids who eat too much damn sugary shit”. It has pretty much the same feel, size and visual texture of the infamous Alpha-Bit, but with a tad less sugar and shaped like little hearts instead of bits of broken off vocabulary pieces. The taste is highly Alpha-Bitsy with the perfect low-key touch of sweetness to encourage continued cereal whoredom to prevail. I freaking love it, but still not able to find Hearts Cereal consistently stocked at every store I lurk at. That’s a low down dirty shame.

110 Cal for 3/4 cup, Fat Cal 15, Total Fat 1.5g, Sodium 160mg, Carbs 23g, Fiber 3g, Sugars 6g, Protein 2g

Well that’s it for now, so go on and start chewing on something. I’m really liking this new Put It In Your Food Trap feature. Definitely more to come!

Oh, and one more thing: Diets In Review just did an article reviewing the meal planning site, FoodOnTheTable.com. There’s a few quotes from me about the usefulness of Food On The Table, so check out the article to see if it’s something that might be helpful in your own meal planning.

Kellogg’s Krave Cereal: If I haven’t told you in a while, I’m still a cereal whore deep down in my soul. Krave is on the of the newest thangs on the cereal block, and I gotta admit, I like it lots. Krave has a whole grain shell filled with a teeny bit of chocolate in the center, and there is ZERO High Fructose Corny-ness inside. Krave gives you crunchy, chocolatey, whole-grainy and light sweetness all wrapped into one. Just be sure to activate your self control, because you just might Krave the whole damn box until its gone.

120 Calories for 3/4 cup, Fat Cal. 30, Total Fat 3.5g, Sodium 100mg, Carbs 24g, Fiber 3g, Sugars 11g, Protein 2g

Kashi 7 Grain Waffles: Just when you thought your relationship with frozen waffles was going extinct, along comes the Kashi making it taste all extra delicious ‘n stuff. Forget about whatever it is you think you know about instant waffle pucks. Kashi all natural waffles deliver succulent, warm & fluffy texture with 7 grains of glory that truly taste delicious. But don’t just chew on them for breakfast. Kashi Waffles also make a healthy nighttime snack. Just smather on a light spreading of butter, drizzle with a bit of honey and then bite into it whole (no fork & knife required). I dare you to tell me its not tasty that way.

150 Calories for 2 waffles, Fat Cal. 50, Total Fat 5g, Sodium 340mg, Carbs, 25g, Fiber 7g, Sugars 3g, Protein 4g 

Amy’s Chocolate Cake: If you happen to be hanging around the grocery checkout line this week, go on and snag yourself the January 6th issue of Woman’s World Magazine (the one with Dr. Oz on the cover). Why? Because they’re talking about treats for health-conscious peeps, featuring my greedy opinion on Amy’s Organic Chocolate Cake on page 45. I first told you about Amy’s this past September in a Taste Test, and I still think it’s delicious and totally do-able to enjoy within a sensible diet. I’m a repeat customer of this vegan, organic cake. Click the on image below to enlarge and read my Woman’s World blurb.

click image to enlarge for your eyeballs

…and I couldn’t help but to be inspired by that big azz SparkPeople ad on the right side of the page. Do you see where it says “This is YOUR year!” …I do agree. This IS your year. You bettah grab 2012 by the horns and make it your bitch.

I interrupt my regularly posted Taste Tests to bring you a brand new dish called “Get Into My Food Trap!”  No foods of pure nastiness shall be discussed right now – only the good ‘n tasty stuff that I’ve been chewing on behind closed doors. And now it’s time you knew about it:

Silver Palate Grain Berry Flakes: If you’re thinking bran cereal is only for the geriatric community with their grandma underpants, dentures and walking canes, go on and think again. There’s no actual berries in this bowl of bran, but the flavor makes up for any type of dehydrated fruit you thought would be included. The flakes are delicate, yet pack a crazy punch of crunch with lovely taste. Grain Berry Bran Flakes have so much swag, you’ll race to snag that last bit of milk for another bowl before your hungry family has a chance to wake up and scrape the crust outta there eyes. They snooze, they loose. They can eat a frozen waffle puck. Or a boiled egg or something.

Calories: 120 for 3/4 cup, Sodium: 180mg, Carbs: 24g, Fiber: 5g, Sugars: 5g, Protein: 6g

Green Giant Broccoli & Cheese Sauce Steamers: I had to read the back of the bag 3 times, because I couldn’t believe the directions were that simple. But, yep, it’s really easy. Just pop the entire bag into the microwave (no stabbing of the bag for venting is required). I cooked the package for 6 minutes, tore it open and ate the whole thing (damn right, I did). I don’t care that the package contains 3 servings. At 45 calories per serving, my stomachs can afford to accommodate all that greediness goodness. There were plenty of broccoli trees (not just a bunch of end-butt pieces like in other frozen broccoli packages). And I’m so glad the cheesiness was not over the top – just the right amount with no excessive globs of cheesy to calorically challenge the booty, thighs and cankles. Check out Green Giant product page for a breakdown of all the Steamers varieties. I’ll be eating more tomorrow.

Calories: 45 per 1/2 cup, Sodium: 200mg, Carbs: 7g, Fiber: 2g, Sugars: 3g, Protein: 6g

Veggie Patch Broccoli Bites with Cheese: Anytime a bacon-toting, carnivorous manly-man (my husband) asks you to throw some more broccoli bites into the oven, you know you’re onto something delicious. It looks like a chicken nugget, but a wee bit larger. Although the cheesiness is an afterthought (you can barely tell it’s in there) these hearty Bites taste great anyway. The breading looks extremely fresh, especially considering you don’t pick these up in the frozen aisle – go snag them out of produce. Husband wanted more. So did I. You can even get fancy and take the Bites to work for microwaving. If you are a fancy person, please give yourself 5,000 bonus points right this very second.

Calories: 160 for 4-pieces, Sodium: 400mg, Carbs: 18g, Fiber: 2g, Sugars, 2g, Protein: 6g

So there ya have it. My latest finds that deserve to get in my food trap over and over again. Try one or try ‘em all. You won’t be disappointed.

I already told you about the naked Yoga I did. There’s naked jogging, too (although questionable). And now you can add in some Naked Juice 100% Juice Smoothies for a triple-trio of naked adventures. It’s an on-the-go smoothie you can get in the produce section and its deeeelicious! I do love my homemade fruit smoothies, but I always snag me a Naked Juice at the grocery store to chug down while I shop. (yes, I do pay for it first. sheesh)

Red Machine is my favorite so far.

…and this particular Machine right here contains 13 raspberries, 11 strawberries, 3 cranberries, 1.5 apples, 1/4 pomegranate, 1/3 orange, 1/2 banana, and 7 red grapes (that’s alotta fruit), plus a “boost” made up of flax seed, omega-3′s, B &C  Vitamins, potassium and 5 grams of fiber.

Haller-luuu-yah!

Damn, I love this stuff. And how about that “no added sugar” thing? All of its 25 grams of sugar occurs naturally from the fruitiness I listed. I highly encourage you to leave those drinks in the juice aisle alone. Thou shalt cleave to thine Naked Juice instead.

NAKED NOTES

• Price Paid: $3.99 for 15.2 ounces (pricey, but worth it)
• Servings: 2
• Calories: 170 per serving
• Nutrition label: read it here

Yum UP! to: Food companies who cater to our desires for tasty-healthy foods.

Yuck Down to: Naked’s “Protein Monster” drinks. Those things are a turrrrible. It’s like gulping liquid chalk.

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Let’s all give Health-hater Husband a round of applause for forcing me to the store to fetch him bacon and cinnamon rolls. That’s the only reason I met up with the YumEarth Organic Vitamin C Pops.

The “certified organic” labeling smacked me in the face and, although still skeptical, I did further eyeballing of the package to discover these lollipops are also 100% vegan and contain 100% natural flavors with real fruit extracts. There are no artificial dyes, no GMO’s, and no High Fructose Corny-ness either.

And let me tell ya something. You can DEFINITELY taste the difference. These lollipops are NOT like regular candy. They don’t taste like Dums Dums or Tootsie Pops. YumEarth lollies are like fruit juice in lollipop form, and us greedy grown ups can capitalize on the tasty-natural-sweet flavor by using one of these 22-calorie pops to happily soothe our sweet-eating temptations. I kid you not.

And yes, my kids are crappy eaters, so the Vitamin C in every pop is an added bonus. I ate two (or three).

Video reaction from the Greedy Kids

It’s a healthy-genius idea to buy YumEarth Pops for Halloween, kids’ parties and other greedy moments.

POP NOTES

• Price Paid: $.77 for bag of 15 lollipops
• Calories: 22 (for one pop)
• Sugars: 6g
• Vitamin C: 100% DV
• Contains no fat, sodium, fiber or protein.

Yum UP! to: The only lollipop I’ll ever buy my kids from now on.  #win

Yuck Down to: Bacon and cinnamon rolls. I just…can’t…do it.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.

I am a part-time vegetarian. I still get down with the sea creatures in full force, yet chew on chickens sparingly. But as for the beefy things? No moo-cow for me about 99% of the time. So my stomachs got happy when I tripped upon the Gardein fake azz beef tips (aka, Beefless Tips). I cooked them up in a stir fry with fresh green peppers and onion. It took me less than 10 minutes to prep the veggies AND cook the entire meal.

Hell yeah!

Then I packed it up for work-lunch, and when it became noon-ish, I poured my beefless, vegetable-infused creation over a bed of Minute Whole Grain Brown Rice. Can somebody say “peppered steak”?

“Emmm…but what the hell did it taste like, Josie?”

Just in case you’re wondering, Gardein is a play on words for “garden + protein”. We’re obviously not dealing with real beef here. This was only visually reminiscent of cow meat. The texture is not as dense as real beef. It’s got decent flavor that isn’t necessarily strong in beefiness, yet it’s a pleasant and happy compromise for the vegetarianites.

Yet there is a thing called spices and I intend to use more next time to “beef up” the flavor. Spices are magical, so I can make that happen. I’m sure the end result will be an even tastier experience than it was this time around. I shall continue to chew on the fake azz beef tips. I love taking control over my food choices and getting creative. The beef-ish tips helped make that happen.

FAKE BEEF NOTES

• Price Paid: $4.99
• Serving size: 3/4 cup
• Calories: 150
• Fat Calories: 50
• Total Fat: 5g
• Sodium: 400mg
• Carbs: 8g
• Fiber: 3g
• Sugars: 1g
• Protein: 18g

Ingredients: water, vital wheat gluten, soy protein isolate, expeller pressed/canola oil, organic ancient grain flour (kamut®, amaranth, millet, quinoa), onion, natural flavors (from plant sources), modified vegetable gum, malted barley extract, yeast extract, garlic powder, onion powder, potato starch, organic cane sugar, sea salt, pea protein, carrot fiber, organic beet fiber, spices. rub: dehydrated vegetable (red bell pepper, garlic, onion), spices, organic cane sugar, salt.

Gardein also carries fake azz Buffalo Wings, fake azz Stuffed Turkey and fake azz Tuscan Breasts as part of their entire line of meat imposters. It’s a whole schmorgasbord of fake food. So go get some, why don’t ya.

Yum UP! to: Tasty food imposters

Yuck Down to: Cutting up vegetables. Perhaps I shall learn to like it one day?

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.

This is a multiple choice quiz. Now take a wild guess at what happened to the Alexia Sweet Potato Puffs:

a) They burned in the oven.

b) The dog ate them.

c) Water spilled on the leftovers.

d) I ate waaay too many Puffs.

Welp, I didn’t burn them, we don’t have a dog, and I surely didn’t eat too many. So the correct answer is C. The leftover Puffs did get water logged, but I didn’t give a damn.

Even after cooking them a few minutes longer than package directions, the Puffs only get sorta crispy on the outside and stay mashed potato-ish on the inside, so forget about a regular tater-tot experience with super crispiness. The flavor problem I keep getting with any kind of packaged sweet potato product is that they somehow lose the bold flavor that comes with a fresh sweet potato. I hate that.

Alexia’s Puffs are just fine and dandy: edible and likable in a ho-hum kinda way, but it’s like eating a sweet potato with 50% of your taste buds removed. The flavor is ghostly. It’s kinda tasty, but really only just a shadow of real, fresh flavor. So why even bother?

I thought these would be a hit with the Greedy Family, but I was almost stoned with stale dinner rolls for bringing the Puffs to the table. This is why I didn’t give a damn when the mound of leftovers got water logged. Someone (and it certainly wasn’t me) manged to run the leftover Puffs under faucet. How convenient, huh?

PUFFY NOTES

• Price Paid: $4.59 for 6 servings
• Serving Size:  2/3 cup
• Calories: 130
• Fat Calories: 30
• Total Fat: 3.5g
• Sat. Fat: 0g
• Sodium: 230mg
• Carbs: 23g
• Fiber 2g
• Sugars: 8g
• Protein: 1g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Health-hater Husband: Eh, they’re just okay.

Greedy Kid #1: These are a fraud. They’re not like real tater tots.

Greedy Kid #2: Nope. I only eat this vegetable in sweet potato pie.

Yum UP! to: Sweet potato pie. Gimme summa that!

Yuck Down to: Burning flames in an oven. Been there, done that.

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Go on and call me the uncooperative sea hag, but I have my limits. My gag reflex just won’t allow it. I was extremely optimistic about Annie Chun’s Seaweed Snacks, especially after my temptation to chew on some free seaweed straight off the beach. Yet my food curiosities have officially gone too far.

The Annie’s seaweed package uses fancy words like savory, bursting with flavor and chock full of vitamins to make you forget that you’re actually about to eat seaweed. I was almost sold on the propaganda. Then I opened the package and got a huge, involuntary whiff of the stench. The sea odor assaults the nose holes, causing your nostril hairs to shrivel while immediately vaporizing any boogies from the “stale seawater” scent. It’s very strong and can be quite an embarrassing odor if someone doesn’t realize you have seaweed in the room.

But I have to go through with this, right?

Seaweed Snacks tastes just like seawater, plus some extra salt thrown in for good measure. I couldn’t get the stuff down my trachea. This is the first Taste Test in Yum Yucky history that literally made me almost vomit every single time I tried to eat it ((serious face on)). I Googled “seaweed benefits” and a whole bunch of glitter & unicorn-ish health benefit info popped up.

But noooo. This is more like Lochness Monstress vs. Mermaid Zombie. Those are some scary b!tches.

SEAWEED NOTES

• Price Paid: $1.19 for  30 sheets (3×2-inch sheet size)
• Serving size: 10 sheets
• Calories: 30
• Fat Calories: 20
• Total Fat: 2.5g
• Sodium: 70mg
• Carbs: 1g
• Protein: 1g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Health-hater Husband: F*ck no. I know you heard me. F***CK NOOO!

Greedy Kid #2: There’s no way I’m eating that, so stop asking.

Greedy Kid #3: It stinks.

Yum UP! to: Mermaid Zombie. I hope she wins the battle. Who you voting for?

Yuck Down to: Embarrassing seaweed odors.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.

“me thinks I hear angelic creatures singing hallelujah”

My food trap has been to the heavens and returned back savoring the flavors. Ohhh, my dear Amy’s Organic Vegan Chocolate Cake.  How do I salivate over thee? Let me count the ways….

• You’re vegan, which I don’t require. But when a vegan food tastes just like “normal” food, I can appreciate that.
• I’m mesmerized that a cake that has no milk or eggs in it (no dairy at all) can taste even better than other cakes I’ve gnawed on.
• Your other ingredients are so simplistic, yet your taste triumphs over other cakes who think they’re all that and a bag-o chocolate chips.
•  You have no GMO’s, no preservatives and you’re even gluten free for the peoples who need it. Nuff’ said there.

If you did a blindfolded taste test, there’s probably no real way you’d link Amy’s to a cake outta the box from the freezer section. No freaking way. I swear it tastes better than chocolate cakes I’ve paid absurd money for at the bakery. Just thaw it out and serve.

It’s the moistness that gets ya. And the authentic, high-end organic cocoa ingredient. I’m shaking my head from being mesmerized. Surely Amy’s is da bomb. You could cut this cake into mini squares, stick some toothpicks in it, and serve it at a fancy party. Or you could skip paying bakery money for a small birthday cake celebration – just stick some candles in the Amy’s Cake instead. But don’t forget the ultimate… put a slice of Amy’s on a plate and go couch-azz as you savor the flavor.

And get this: It’s only 170 calories and 16 grams of sugar for one slice. How’d the hell they do that? If you don’t go buy yourself some Amy’s Chocolate Cake, you are totally missing out.

Now excuse me, I’m about  to re-enter the third realm of heaven. Time for another slice of Amy’s. For further research testing, of course.

CHOCO CAKE NOTES

• Price Paid: $4.99 for cake that serves 6 hearty slices
• Calories: 170 for 1/6 slice
• Fat Calories: 50
• Total Fat: 5g
• Sat. Fat: 0g
• Sodium: 210mg
• Carbs: 27g
• Fiber: 1g
• Sugars 16g
• Protein: 2g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Health-hater Husband: Good, but a slight after taste.

Greedy Kid #1: Oh my gosh. How do they get it to be so moist?

Greedy Kid #2: Tastes like there’s real cocoa in it.

Greedy Kid #3: You know I don’t like chocolate. I don’t want it.

Greedy Baby: (there was no comment, just a lot of chewing)

Yum UP! to: The Amy’s line of food products. I continue to be impressed.

Yuck Down: Only getting one birthday cake per year. No fair.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.

Who must I face slap for suggestionizing me to try this? (ohhh wait, that would be meeee). I’m a sucker for protein ingestion. Too bad I got sucked into the ghastly treat that is the Protein Squared Granola Oatmeal thingy.

If it’s two things this here Square tries to promote, it’s tolerance of the pure nastiness and civil rights of the gag reflex. But I refuse to vote for either. Much unlike what the packaging sold me, this thing contains NO chocolate squares and NO chunks of granola. Take a look at what I got instead…

What ‘da hell?

Those cinnamon vein-tendrils on top look like something this chick sh!t out of her upper body. The yogurt-ish coating is an artificially flavored aargh. The alleged granola oatmeal experience is unrecognizable to the eyeballs, and the texture is a chewy paste to the food trap. Many protein bars are famous for a hellish experience that includes a dense, chalkiness with an unsettling aftertaste. The Protein Squared Granola Oatmeal thingy is no different.

So if you’re waiting in the checkout line for the person in front of you to finalize their extreme couponing whoredom with multiple packages of ExLax and Poise Pads, please don’t stare at the candy bar display and get bamboozled into the Protein Squared. You’d be better off with a package of Peanut M&M’s.

SQUARED NOTES

• Paid Paid: $1.49 for 2×2 inch square
• Serving size: one square thingy
• Calories: 140
• Fat Calories: 30
• Total Fat: 3.5g
• Sat. Fat: 2.5g
• Sodium: 120mg
• Carbs: 12g
• Fiber: 3g
• Sugars: 5g
• Sugar Alcohols: 2g
• Protein: 15g

Yum UP! to: Peanut M&Ms’. It’s been such a looong time!

Yuck Down to: False food packaging.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.