I came across the Wonder Sauna Hot Pants in my futile search for a Coffee Sauna. You know, where you sit inside the capsule-hut and the concentrated coffee mist infuses into your skin as you relax naked?

But the more I examined the Sauna Hot Pants packaging, the more concerned I became for the men-folk of America. If these Hot Pants “reduce” and “slenderize”, isn’t that poor guy’s man-junk at risk?

He should take ‘dem pants off.

Please don’t give the the Sauna Pants to your boyfriend/husband ‘lest your good intentions backfire.

So what do you think of my Coffee Sauna invention idea? I’m trusting you with this proprietary information, so if I catch you trying to concoct a prototype, you’re totally gonna get sued.

John McMahon, a Texas-based, Certified Hypnotherapist wants to hypnotize the fat out of our nation. In a recent press release, he says his free weight loss hypnosis program at hypnosis365.com is the answer for America. But I don’t really know how it works unless I first join the hypnosis community and download the software.

Johnny Boy’s website also talks of hypnosis to make you lucky and to give you a face lift. I want to get my husband hypnotized to rub my feet for 2 hours every night and stop talking so damn loud. I wonder if that’s free, too.

So are you in? Would you try free hypnosis to make your body sexy?

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ka-BOOM!

(okay, that’s one word)

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This is not like that time you got drunk and threw up on your friend. And on the floor. And on yourself. That kind of tragedy only pulls out what’s IN your stomach. What I’m talking about is literally pulling OUT your stomach through your mouth. It’s a new procedure called Sleeve Gastrectomy, aka, the Gastric Sleeve, and it’s being called an alternative to gastric bypass.

According to FoxNews.com, the gist is this:

“…..surgeons use an endoscope to reach the stomach through the mouth and pull the divided portion out. The stomach is closed with staples applied through the abdomen, leaving the patient with a stomach about the size of a banana.”

So, yeah, the surgeon goes in through your mouth and pulls out 80-85% of your stomach. The remaining 10-15% is formed into a banana shape, and woallah! There is your new stomach. This promotes a sensation of fullness so you drop the weight fast. But don’t ask for your stomach back. The procedure is irreversible.

Fox News states that Connie Harris, from Carlsbad, California, had the procedure done 3-weeks ago (on August 3, 2010) and has already lost 25 pounds. She is considered one of the first Gastric Sleeve out-the-mouth patients worldwide. After going on a liquid diet, Connie got down to 200 pounds before her surgery was performed. Her extreme stomach makeover now causes her to ingest only 500 calories a day.

A quick search of the Internet shows the price tag for the gastric banana stomach to be anywhere from $7,000 – $10,000 or more. I have decided to help you cash in this groundbreaking action with my very own Gastric Sleeve affiliate program. You will receive 30% commission for every surgery sold when you tell people to click this magic link.

How It’s Made (Unicorn Law): The unicorn beast can only be captured at the hands of a young virgin, age 18-21. This makes the meat very expensive (about $175 for a 5-ounce can) since virgins of this age are typically hard to find. Promiscuous whores of any age are prohibited from stepping foot on the unicorn farm, as is PETA – no exceptions.

While young, non-virgin baby breeders (like I was at age 20) cannot capture the beast, we do not hold it against them. These women are authorized to can the unicorn meat at the processing facility once it has been slayed. Baby breeders are paid a fair wage of $29 per hour with free on-site child care provided during unicorn canning hours.

SELECT NUTRITION FACTS

• Sparkles and Rainbows: 100 grams per serving
• Love, Kisses and Hugs: 5,000mg per bite
• Smile, Giggles and Happiness: 1,500 grams
• Superglue Loin: empty calories

The Magic Horn is inedible, but can serve as your defense in case of home invasion and, alternatively, as a device to slay your evil co-workers.

THE HUMAN MOTHER OF ALL UNICORNS

She grew a Cutaneous Horn for 20 years, but before having it surgically removed, Mother Unicorn bore many mystical beasts that spread magic and rainbows and glittery dreams.

I was inspired to make the deee-licious-looking No-Cook Summer Tomato Pasta from @WritersKitchen. But then I got vegetable-lazy. The tomatoes just sat… and sat… and sat. They are now a moldy mess fit to be force fed to a wicked step-mother-in-law or someone such as. The tomatoes are rotten and my money is lazy-wasted. I am left without this greedy-good dish inside my Food Trap.

Frackin’ foodie fail.

And here we have Exhibit #2. It is my first sincere attempt at some good ‘ole fried chacken (that’s chacken with an ‘A’). But well seasoned, yet charred poultry is NOT my fault. In the middle of cooking, Greedy Kid #1 called for a ride home, so I left the frying chacken for husband to administer. But he was playing Xbox and so the chacken was neglected. Husbands and frying chackens just don’t mix.

And now in other news….

I just saw a Dentyne commercial. They said their chewing gum with “purify your breathe”. Too bad I was NOT concerned with breath purification when I experienced two real life Food Trap horrors. These situations are very different from the trauma of that watery horror when my entire body was stranded in the ocean with sea creatures. These traumas were more localized to the Food Trap region. My mouth was under assault….

DRINK YO’ MILK!

I was hanging with my Aunti when I was age 6. She was a teenager, still a kid herself. And I hated milk. I never EVER drank milk.

Aunti invited me outside to help her wash the car. She had a drink in her hand – she offered me her cup of milk, and for once in my life I decided to drink up. I took a huge swig… and then realized I wasn’t drinking milk.

It was Dove Dish Soap – that old school milky-looking kind. I swigged the dish soap Aunti was going use to wash the car.

GIMME SUMMA WATER!

This just happened the other day. There was bottle of water on the table. It was there for two days and it bugged me that it was opened, sipped maybe one time and then left there. Wasted! But I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. That is not economical.

After a 3-mile run I came in the door. I grabbed that water bottle and swigged hard.

Too bad it wasn’t water.

Pure vinegar is what it was. Greedy Kid #1 put vinegar in a bottle for cleaning the bathrooms. (ya, vinegar is good for house cleaning). Too bad I ingested that sh!t like a thirsty camel.

Why do the bad things happen to me and only me? Or do YOU have a horror story too?

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(oh my gawsh, this post is so damn corny. but I’ve been out of green tea for 3 days. so there.)

Somebody. Please. Tell me what marketing genius came up with this idea?

There’s the Safari theme with meerkats; the Marine Life theme with cute baby seals; polar bear and panda boxes too. So I’m wondering if there’s a Back Alley theme featuring crunchy roasted rat pellets?

Too bad there are many ugly beasts howling into the wind because they’ll never have a box of their own. I suppose the hyenas aren’t cute enough for a cover. Shame on you, Kellogg’s!

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Holy crud! I haven’t Returned to Bizarre-O World since I discovered the Horny Remover as a form of birth control. So here we are again. Finally! And despite poor picture quality from my bastard Blackberry phone, these images from the health & beauty isle of my grocery store were too cutting edge to not photograph.

DONKEY’S MILK.

Ahh, yes. Don’t we all crave the milk of a jack ass that’s been specially reformulated so we can spread it real soapy onto our ass, thighs and arms? But did that donkey on the box authorize the commercial use of his photo? He is being exploited. Where is PETA when you really need them?

PLACENTA SHAMPOO.

Well how about that. The placenta obviously gets major kudos for it’s ability to multi-task. Not only can you nourish an unborn baby with it, but you can eat it once the baby comes out (warning, that link is disgusting), and now you can even lather it in your hair. You rock, Placenta!!

HAIR FERTILIZER.

Hair Fertilizer? Is this like sh!t in a jar? Because I really don’t need to pay for that. I can fertilize on my own at no cost.

TURTLE CREAM.

I have no idea what I’m supposed to do with this. Is it for crusty feet? Is it an under eye treatment? Or is it a food topping – kinda like whipped cream, ya know?