Me: ((in sarcastic, smart-ass voice)) Yeah! Do your job and light that fireplace.

Health-hater: I am doing my job. And what the hell are YOU doing?

Me: ((no response))

Husband: Oh, that’s right. You ARE doing your job. You’re laying on the couch.

Me: ((no response))

—-

How am I supposed to respond to that? Couch-assing is definitely my job.

Reason #1: I couldn’t find a fancy one, so I resorted to the 0.99 cent advent calendar from Target. It’s really cheap and tacky. Don’t act like you don’t think so.

Reason #2: Each kid got their own calendar. It’s only December 5th, but Greedy Kid #2 has already chewed on 8 days worth of chocolate.

Reason #3: Compared to Skippy Mom’s adventing genius, I gotta stop buying cheap chocolate calendars and get more creative. Like these dang kids of mine need to eat chocolate for 25 days straight?

And yes, that’s our Christmas tree in the background. I didn’t notice some of the lights were out until I snapped the pic. Blog post idea: “3 Reasons Our Christmas Tree Is a Piece of Shit.”  …eh, never mind.

Will you please buy my new magazine? It’s a steal at only $19.99 per week when you act now.

I will feed you many lies pieces of fabulous advice to help you on your fitness journey. Guaranteed happiness to all who read! Just like the girl on the cover. You want to be happy, right?

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I was just minding my own business, browsing through Google images for who the hell knows why (I can’t remember), and using the keyword “Greedy Eats”.

Ya. That’s me right there in the the search results. Here’s the full size pic.

Uh huh. Told ya it was me. I was doing hilly intervals that day back in 2009.

I am Greedy Eats. And not just because I say so. Google says so, too. This makes me very proud to be a woman of such reputation.

Yum Yucky, circa 2009

I did a video for Fat Fighter TV waaay back in 2009. I was a bit heavier then. But, err…whatevah. Just watch this 11-second video and see what’s happens next.

Warning: That chipmunk laugh you hear in the background is Greedy Kid #1.

Water, anyone??

And what’s the lesson here, my friends?

It’s not how you start. It’s how you finish.

“Keep on doin’ it, Jerome. You’d make any Momma proud.”

So why does this just seem…wrong? The more I stare at it, the wrong-er it seems. Is this breakdancing with dumbells or just a really awkward exercise move for dummies?

“Dear David… I still love you.”

Eye candy can be just as satisfying as eating 3 large slices of pie. In theory, anyway.

This is a call to take actions with evasive maneuvers…

It’s fancy. It’s intriguing. It’s cutting edge ‘n stuff. That boring word “Salad Dressing” must be re-named “Salad Sauce”. Immediately!

I proclaimed this loud and proud on Twitter, but some people whom I will not name out loud (@theantijared & @FatFighterTV) refuse to embrace the Saucy-ness. And I am appalled.

Salad Sauce is a no-brainer. It makes you want to run out and eat those greens right away. “Pour on the salad sauce, baby!” Doesn’t that have a nice ring to it? Meanwhile, I have purchased the domain SaladSauceHater.com so that it can’t be used against me.

Whose side are you on: Salad Dressing or Salad Sauce?

I dare good ‘ole MacGyver to escape a hungry situation using only the tools pictured. This purse contains all the ingredients MacGyver needs to build a barbecue grill, fix a faulty freezer, reboot a broken oven, or subdue a herd of kitchen cockroaches.

But if he wishes to escape hunger, his luck just ran out. (or did it?)

Dude, you lose. (finally)

Disclaimer: If you are too young to know MacGyver, I’m not sure if I should congratulate YOU, or feel sorry for my old-azz-self.

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