This sweet potato pie grew eyeballs and became extra rude to me. It stared me down in a brazen attempt to get into my stomach(s). Yep. That pie you see right there is the very same pie in my fridge right now — eyeballs and all. But it didn’t take too kindly to being turned down by yours truly. I didn’t eat it.

Oh my eff-ing gawsh, it won’t stop looking at me.

Do some of your favorite foodstuffs grow eyeballs, too? Please tell me I’m not alone…

Okay, guys. I admit it. Despite my recent fruit-eating tweet that oozes with healthy pride, I do have one dilemma… kinda.

With all these delectable holiday treats circulating around my house (people come bearing gifts), and at work, and while I’m out & about, I admit that my greedy eyeballs have been bulging with lust to voluntarily overdose on tasty holiday foodstuffs.

So what do I do?

I’ve temporarily re-calculated my moderation ratio ever so slightly. I’m allowing myself a little bit more leeway with these treats, but only until Christmas is over. I’m not going to pass on my favorite holiday treats. I just don’t want to. I have the power to decline, but I don’t feel like it, okay? These foods only come around once per year, and if I don’t take advantage of it now, I’ll have to wait another 12-months for this greedy opportunity to roll around again.

So what else do I do? I’m temporarily increasing my hardcore workout time as well – by about 10-15 minutes.

…and then I’m gonna eat the damn cheesecake square. And the buttery bread, too. Oh, and the lemon bar. But not all at once. That would be ridiculous. I’ll space these feedings 5-minutes apart.

Me: Oooo. He forgot to eat his eggroll. I want it.

Me again: Ehhh, maybe not. I don’t need it.

Egg Roll: You know you want me. I’m all warm & golden brown with tasty Asian flavors.

Me: I do NOT need this egg roll. It’s been fried. It looks greasy.

Egg Roll: You know you want me. Just one bite. Go ahead.

Me: Maybe I’ll just have one bite…

(The egg roll is now gone. I ate the whole damn thing. So what. It was delicious.)

I created this handy-dandy portable body scanner tool to make you feel bettah about your holiday sugar-fest. Point the finger at others while you enjoy your sweets.

You no wait. You buy NOW. Free poster of Sexy Tyrone Sexy with every order.
(you’re welcome) 

Subscribe to my videos at YouTube.com/YumYucky.

There is no need to adjust your computer screen or overdose on eyedrops to intensify your vision. You are indeed viewing a high resolution, groundbreaking image from my recent grocery store haul.

So how can a clean eating diva such as myself have the ballz to buy all this shitty food?

Food is fun. I use the tasty-healthy foods for fuel and health, but sometimes I just like to have a little sinister fun and buy some crap. Years of practicing moderation (and finally getting it right over time) has given me the ability to enjoy crappy food indulgences without going overboard. I trust myself around sweets, so every once in a blue moon I allow myself to go buck wild enjoy these kind of treats.

The Apple Jacks and Devil Dogs are for me. That is all.

The cookies, doughnuts, cinnamon buns and Fruit by The Foot are for the Greedy Family. I don’t eat their stuff. I don’t like their junk food choices.

I tried to do the cold turkey thing with the family and force them to eat healthy all the time and totally restrict their junk foods, but that didn’t work. There was bitching and whining and uprisings. So while I still (sometimes) buy them the crap they request, I’ve been very successful at slowly introducing healthier options into their lives that stick.

In the midst of the junk food crap you see pictured, I’ve already got the Greedy Family enjoying healthy options like brown rice, fresh salmon, whole wheat instead of white flour products, Greek yogurt and fresh fruits, where they refused that stuff relentlessly in the past. I let them have some crappy foods as a compromise as I continue to slowly (and unforcibly) encourage better food choices. It’s been a process.

As for me? I’ve already had multiple bowls of Apple Jacks and plan on a Devil Dog for late night snack (gasp!). Once my treats are gone, they’re gone. It’ll be weeks before I enter into this kind of greedy glory again. This is how I have my cake and eat it too – all without gaining any weight.

So tell me: what’s your own greedy-eating philosophy?

It would be unlawful, bad politics and downright poor sportsmanship to prohibit the 98-calorie Orange Glazed Blueberry Doughnut from entering the food trap nearest you. Hint, hint… YOUR food trap!

I shall pay homage to Prevention RD at this time (aka, Nicole… hey, gurrrl!) for allowing me to share this recipe with you all. It’s also posted on her blog with additional pics. Nicole is food-fancy with Registered Dietitian status, so she gives good doughnut advice.

Orange Glazed Blueberry Doughnuts

• 2 cups cake flour (or 1 3/4 cup all-purpose flour + 1/4 cup cornstarch)
• 3/4 cup sugar
• 2 tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp kosher salt
• 1 tsp orange zest
• 3/4 cup low-fat buttermilk, at room temperature
• 2 eggs, lightly beaten, at room temperature
• 2 Tbsp unsweetened applesauce
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• 1/2 cup blueberries, halved

Orange Glaze

• 1 1/2 cups powdered sugar
• 1 Tbsp whole milk
• 1 Tbsp freshly squeezed orange juice + more to thin out, if desired
• 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Directions

• Sift the cake flour, sugar, baking powder and salt into a large bowl. Mix. Add in the orange zest and mix it in.
• Pour in the buttermilk and add in the eggs, butter and vanilla extract. Gently mix the ingredients together. Be careful not to over-mix the batter. Fold in the halved blueberries carefully.
• Lightly grease a doughnut pan with non-stick cooking spray. Carefully spoon the batter into the doughnut pan. You want to fill each one up 1/2 of the way. Bake the doughnuts at 400 F for 8-9 minutes.
• While the doughnuts are baking, make the glaze.
• Put the powdered sugar in a large bowl. Add in the orange juice, milk and vanilla extract. Whisk to combine. If the glaze is too thick, add additional orange juice or milk, 1/2 teaspoon at a time until desired consistency is reached.
• Once the doughnut are done baking, let them cool in the doughnut pan for 4 minutes. Then remove them from the pan.
• Dip one side of each doughnut in the glaze. Set the doughnuts on top of a cooling rack with a baking sheet underneath. Allow the glaze on the doughnuts to dry and serve immediately. Yield: ~21 doughnuts.

Nutrition Information (per doughnut): 98 calories; 0.5 g. fat; 21 mg. cholesterol; 172 mg. sodium; 22 g. carbohydrate; 0.14 g. fiber; 1.9 g. protein (optional nut topping not included in nutrition information).

Please keep Nicole’s doughnut-wielding tricks in mind! She says, “I think the key to a light, fluffy doughnut is in using cake flour. I even subbed out all the butter for unsweetened applesauce and halved the glaze recipe. The original recipe also called for glazing the entire doughnut, which I reduced to just one side.”

As a Registered Dietitian, Nicole’s focus is on diabetes and weight loss. Check out her blog for more greedy-genius recipes, follow her on Twitter @PreventionRD and Like her Facebook page.

I fear that all these fitness challenge shenanigans I’m hurling at you (including a new one coming VERY soon), plus my talk of plyometrics and salad-eatin’ may be doing damage to my greedy reputation.

Gasp!

I can NOT allow my greedy side to be squashed! You know, that dark awesome side of me where my double stomachs dwell and where my food trap gets gasmic.

With everything that I’ve been doing – that YOU’VE been doing – on a quest to be sexier and healthier, I want to remind you that it’s okay to be greedy in moderation. It’s okay to practice food inhalation in a controlled, planned kinda way.

And today is MY day, baby!

I am sooo calorie-screwed today and I don’t give a damn. I intend to go over my average limit of 1,400 net calories because I have reservations for both lunch AND dinner! Can I gets an amen and a holler-loo-yaaa one time??

• I’m going to Mikimotos for lunch with husband. It’s an authentic Japanese grill and Sushi bar!
• I’m going to The Melting Pot for dinner with an old high school friend. It’s a fondue spot!

So you see, my calorie-screw is intentional and will be done in the company of special people I usually don’t get to eat with like this. Although greedy accidents still happen, this one is no accident. My greediness has been scheduled for enjoyment. My food inhalation will be done on cue and at the appropriate time considering all the hard work I’ve been putting in.

If you are kicking ass and taking names in the fitness realm, I encourage you to NOT deprive yourself of an epic, indulgent calorie-screw. Whatever that means to you and in whatever food-eating capacity to you choose for it to be, just go on and do it.

Important note: If you are NOT kicking ass and taking names yet, you are unfortunately calorie-screwing yourself the wrong way. But you can change all of that whenever you (finally) get serious. xoxo

Wait. What!?

Truckload Pie Sale? …YES!!!

I took that pic myself. Because you know my stomach-radar went off and I just HAD to be up at the pie sale in person.

But had they known I own my very own tractor trailer for special occasions such as this? Welp, let’s just say they probably should have made more pies. Or a least blockaded the grocery store parking so I couldn’t get in.

If you look really, really close, you can not see me in the driver’s seat hauling those pies away. I’m totally wanting strawberry-rhubarb pie right now… totally.

Now please excuse me. It’s time for my feeding. [insert dumb azz pie picture here]

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