Felonous Profile

• Age: 26
• Height: 5’9″
• Weight: 305 lbs.
• Occupation: Deli slicer
• Hobbies: Fantasy dodge ball league, Girls Gone Wild fan

The Crime

Breathing way too loud because he’s outta breath.

Outta Breath says: This is a free country. My heavy breathing won’t bother you too bad if you give yourself the freedom to focus real hard and not listen. I’m quieter when I breathe outta my nose, but I haven’t done that since 2007. My boogers also block my breathing, but that’s another issue.

Yum Yucky says: …. (opinion) Listening to heavy breathing is like screeching nails on a chalkboard. Is it not fair to the hearer…. (fact) Serious weight gain can cause asthma or bronchitis to worsten and lead to other breathing issues. Take care of yourself and be well. Check out Breathing Problems and Morbid Obesity.

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[photo credit]

Police Photo: Anna Godfrey

I had a really bad hair-do for 2 years as a kid. It was an afro when afros were NOT in style. I was teased daily, but instead of crying or feeling all hurt inside, I laughed along with my bastard peers. But I gotta admit, some of their wise cracks were indeed kinda witty. The more I laughed with them, the less wise cracks I got – until the teasing finally stopped altogether.

But what if you’re Anna Godfey? And what if those ugly remarks are fat jokes? If you check out Anna’s Facebook page, it’s obvious she’s a drinking party girl (whateva, her choice). As the story goes, some guy called her “fat” while she was out partying. Anna lashed out and bit off part of the guy’s ear. She was arrested for suspicion of felony assault. And he needs plastic surgery (ear chunk never found).

From Anna’s Facebook Page

“ATTENTION: I woke up this morning to a million friend requests, if I don’t know u don’t try n be my friend just bc u think its cool I f*cked up 3 dudes the other night it was a fight, same as all the other fights I’ve been in over the years, I don’t like all this ‘fame’ n how the news ran his story which was not truthful, so stop jockin my facebook page people! I like my close knit circle of friends the way it is.”

Call me crazy, but despite Anna’s actions (please don’t chew on your enemies), I gotta appreciate her sassy-ness. Just a little bit?

Anna is definitely a bad-ass. Even though she was probably drunk when the assault took place, I’m not so sure she ever curls into an emotional wet noodle when people judge her body image.

I’m not encouraging you to go drunk-cannibal like Anna, just be confident in yourself (but in a legal kind of way that won’t get you arrested). Like I did when I had that frightful afro.

Felonous Profile

• Age: 43
• Height: 6’1″
• Weight: 191 lbs.
• Occupation: IT guy
• Hobbies: None (huh?)

Felonous Crime: Freakin’ out over every little thing.

Freak Out says: I’ve got too much on my mind. The job. The house. My nagging wife. My three snot-nosed kids who keep the volume on their voice boxes set at full blast. And to top it off, I’m tired as hell. I try to sleep, but I can’t. The stress is killing me, so don’t preach about healthy living. It’s not possible for busy, overworked people like myself.

Yum Yucky says: I feel your pain, but your approach is all wrong. Freaking out will get you nowhere. Stay in calm control and change the way you respond to a situation. Now take a chill pill (preferably the non-prescription kind), then go hug your wife and play a board game with the kids.

**Don’t fall into the stress trap. Get the full scoop on how “bad” stress affects your body. It can cause depression, obesity and sexual dysfuntion (uh oh).  Then check out Fitness Magazine’s Bed Time Snacks Under 200 calories: 50/50 mixes of carbs and proteins that increase sleep-inducing serotonin levels.

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(photo credit)

Felonous Profile

• Age: 14
• Height: 5’6″
• Weight: 169 lbs.
• Occupation: Lazy Student
• Hobbies: Xbox gaming, paint ball spectator

The Crimes

• Cake Freak
• Lover of Lame-ness

Baby Cakes says: I take culinary class for the free food, but I won’t cook when I get married. Dad says that’s a woman’s job.

Mom buys me fast food whenever I want – even if she already cooked homemade. And I hate to run and jump around, so Pop faked me a doctor’s
note and I’m out of gym for a month.

I’m an only child. My parents will do anything for me. Oh, and I like cake.

Yum Yucky says: Your parent’s lame tendencies are rubbing off on you. Is there any hope for your future children?

Read about the mom arrested for child neglect because her teen weighs 555-pounds.

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(photo credit)

Felonous Profile

• Age: 46
• Height: 5’10″
• Weight: 211 lbs.
• Occupation: Used Car Salesman
• Hobbies: Bowling, cruising the scene in used car inventory

The Crimes

Lover of too many women. Eater of too many sweets.

Sugar Time says: I’m a ladies man that knows how much a woman loves her sweets. There’s no resisting good ‘ole Sugar Time! I attract the loveliest of ladies while cruising the ice cream shop and bakery scenes. I love my sweets (and my bulging gut is sexy), but women love me more, like this fine specimen of a female I took to Hooters in my used car loaner.

To all the ladies out there, I’m married single and I’m sweet. Look for me at Harry’s Used Car Depot or call 555-7645. Tell them Sugar Time sent ya.

Yum Yucky says: You’re pathetic and creepy.

Learn about how too much sugar affects your body. But as for your choices in relationships, that’s your private business.

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Photo credit: Lisa Young

Felonous Profile

• Age: 26
• Height: 5’5′
• Weight: 349 pounds
• Occupation: Part-time Telemarketing Sales
• Hobbies: Window Shopper, Reality TV show fan

The Crimes

Inventor of lame excuses; talking with mouth full.

Sonia says: My job requires me to sit all day so I’m limited in my movement. I wanna get promoted to Floor Supervisor, so I bring in doughnuts to boost team morale. I work damn hard, about 4 hours a day, so when I get home it’s all about propping up my feet to relax for my daily dose of Reality TV. On Halloween I came to work dressed as a fitness expert and everybody cracked up laughing. My pals at the job call me Sexy Legs because sometime in the future I’m gonna start workin’ on my sexy.

Yum Yucky says: You don’t really sit at the job all day because you only work part time. Ditch the doughnuts and quit making sales calls with food in your mouth. And forget about Reality TV. You need a reality check! You dressed as a fitness expert on Halloween to be funny, but sometimes people makes jokes and laugh at themselves to cover up their insecurities. Your future begins today, so if you’re really serious about workin’ on your sexy, start right now. You have more free time than you
think.

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Photo credit: moodboardunlimited

Felonous Profile

• Age: 21
• Height: 5’6″
• Weight: 157 pounds
• Occupation: College Student
• Hobbies: Partying, Shopping, Baking

The Crimes

Drinker of too many drinks at the party; eater of an entire baker’s dozen.

Gigi says: I got it goin’ on with my sexy curves. I party hard with friends and I eat whatever I want. I’m untouchable baby!

Yum Yucky says: I half-way forgive you because you’re young, dumb, and 21, but those drinks and baked goods will officially render you flab-ulous in two year’s time if you don’t curb the habit. Next thing you know, those “curves” will be hanging over your jeans (if they’re not already). And ease up on those alcoholic beverages, would ya?

Disclaimer: Not all 21 year-olds are dumb….right?

But seriously…If you have a college-aged loved one, read About.com’s article, 21st Birthday Drinking A Serious Health Hazard.

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Photo credit: Simone Van Den Berg

Felonous Profile

• Nickname: "Catfish"
• Age: 38
• Height: 5'10"
• Weight: 265 lbs.
• Occupation: Maintenance man
  
• Hobbies: NASCAR, horseshoe, NBA reject

The Crimes

Chain smoker and beer-a-holic; excessive consumption of fried possum cooked in lard.

Catfish
says: I don't give a hoot about all this darn fitness talk. I done seen that
Jillian character on TV and I ain't impressed one bit, but I do pretend
to be watchin' that Big Old Loser show until sister-wife leaves the
house to fetch me some smokes and a six-pack. That's when I pop in my
Girls Gone Wild tape, but I ain't never gonna be wild about fitness
crap, so git!

Yum Yucky says: Catfish,
because of your fitness crimes, you have sentenced yourself to a beer
belly, the possibility of lung cancer,
stroke or heart attack, and a crack in the head with the frying pan if
sister-wife catches you with that tape, so git!

But seriously…learn more with this reference guide to beer calories and the facts on how smoking cessation improves your health.

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Photo credit: digitalphotoart