Holiday eating means serious business with the Yum Yucky. We want to empower your stomach to expand to ridiculous proportions to accommodate the food festivities of the season. Forget about those annoying bypasses and say no to liposucking. You can do all that slimmin’ stuff when January comes around. Right now it’s time to go large or go home!

Get your Double Stomachs Install for 1% off when you act right now, so do the math:

• Regular price install = $1,995.00
• Minus 1% discount of $19.95
• Sale price = $1,975.05

You must act now to take advantage of this deep discount because special pricing won’t last forever. This Holiday Eating Sale also includes bonus gifts:

• Two (2) Food Coma Coupons
• One (1) “Get Out of Digestive Trouble for Free” card

So don’t you wanna-wanna?

But how does it work?

take your install pill, yo!

The installation takes place in pill-form, based on our proprietary blend of secret and only mildly-toxic ingredients. As you swallow the pill, the double stomach download begins and you are on your way to enjoying the benefits of two stomach chambers for storing tasty holiday foodstuffs.

Unfortunately, we cannot be held responsible for download errors, including and restricted to vomiting, belly ache, gaseous odors, reflux, paralysis or partial death. You may contact our service desk to get download assistance (for a small fee of $79.95) if any of these events occur.

ALERT! The holiday eating season is just around the corner. You will be large and in charge with your Double Stomachs Install. So like we said…Act Now!

Or, you can just eat sensibly and continue exercising so you don’t gain any weight in this festive season.

[photo 1, photo 2]

Brought to you by Fat-So Inc., the makers of Grocery Glasses technology and the Electric Shock Collar for weight loss. Yum Yucky blames them for this post.

Next week kicks off the start of Blame Others Awareness Week (but you can start right now if you want).

Empower yourself to not be responsible when you don’t quite measure up and desire to place the blame on someone else for things like: not exercising or eating right, not getting up for work, not showering everyday, that STD you caught in college, the cellphone that won’t work (although you didn’t pay the bill), etc, etc..

So you see? The possibilities for blaming others are endless. Any reason to place the blame is acceptable. Just consider this a pass to be total slacker without feeling guilty. Because it’s someone else’s fault.

How to Blame Others Through Twitter

Use the hashtag #BlameOthers, so everyone can clearly see that it’s not your fault (see Exhibit X).

Suggested people and/or things to blame for whatever reason:

• the kids
• your mother-in-law
• the postman
• the alcohol
• your boss
• your lover (who might also be your boss)
• that nagging client
• your slow metabolism
• Obama and/or Bush
• the neighbor’s dog
• the bakery
• your spouse
• your trainer

Important Note: Blame Others Awareness Week is not free. While you can go on and place the blame by leaving a comment, the blame will not be fully activated against the accused until you remit $19.95 (cash only please) to my bank account. Oh, but a $5 service charge will also be added for the processing of your comment. I blame the economy for that.

Brought to you by Fat-So Inc., the makers of Grocery Glasses technology and endorser of Calorie Killer, Yum Yucky is pleased to introduce a cutting edge new treatment for people who want to shed the fat without putting in any effort.

Electric Collar Shock Therapy!

This neck collar weight loss aid has dual action. Together will a microscopic chip implanted at the base of your skull, the chip sends a high voltage electrical pulse signal to the collar at the very first thought of greediness or excessive laziness.

With each and every therapeutic shock, the wearer becomes trained to eat reasonable portions and get off their azz to be active. Wearer may receive as much as 10 shocks in the very first hour of treatment, so this proves that its fast acting.

Paid Testimonials

• “I use it everday! The smell of burning neck flesh is nothing to complain about considering I’ve already lost 25 pounds in 3 days!” ~ Jill from Wisconsin
• “Well worth the price. My chip implantation incision is only infected a little bit now. I’ll be done this 3rd round of antibiotics in no time.” ~ Harry from Detroit

Buy your Electric Shock Collar today!

Here’s How To Order

• Send $2,589 (cash and wires transfers only) to Fat-So Inc.
• Allow 12-18 months for shipment.
• Shipments lost in transit are your own problem.
• No refunds or exchanges allowed.
• Limited time offer. Act now!

Important Note: Fat-So, Inc. is not responsible for botched surgeries during chip implantation, charred flesh due to excessive electrical wattage, rash or irritation, and sudden death.

Are you fearful of anesthesia, breathing tubes down the throat, or going under the knife? Are you dreading the cost of that upcoming knee replacement, stomach bypass, or bootylicious butt lift?

Then take the Operation Snack Pill instead.

These fruit-flavored pills come in happy snacking form and are on track to layoff 95% of surgeons worldwide by the year 2015.

No one wants sloppy stitches or two weeks of recovery time in bed. When you ingest your desired Operation, the fruity snack pack heads straight for the ailing body part and steps into action!

The Operation Pill is not only revolutionary, it is cost effective too. On average, you pay only $3.89 for a box of 10 operations.

This snacking technology was recently adopted into Obama’s Healthcare Reform Bill and will easily spare U.S. Citizens the ugly shock of opening a hospital bill into the thousands of dollars.

As this Pill does not yet work to surgically correct life threatening conditions such as promiscuity, texting while driving, or the infamously-irritating twitching eyelid, there may be more fruit-flavored enhancements in the future.

Warning: Keep Operation Pill out of reach of greedy children. If repeated overdose occurs please contact your local Obesity Control Center for further instructions.

It’s okay to be lazy.

If you made a New Year’s resolution to slim down, there’s virtually no reason to engage in exercise and eating right. Lazing o’round eating Doritos on the couch is the hot new habit for 2010.

Calorie Killer daily supplement empowers you to overeat normally while remaining inactive, and still lose no weight. Regular normal eating in the Calorie Killer program includes the cheeseburger right here.

I will sell you some Calorie Killer.

Take two pills to kill the over-ate calories dead. Each 500mg supplement contains a proprietary blend of fat killing powers never before tested on humans.

Until now.

“I Want It. How Do I Buy It?”

Please send me $2,400 (cash only) and I will provide a 3-day supply. Hurry quick to get this discounted offer before the price goes up. I will not issue rainchecks.

Important information: The sinister snake on my shoulder is not included in your purchase. Go get your own.

I’m lovin’ my new partnership with Fat-So Inc., the innovator of frivolous fabulous health and weight loss products. As the sole marketer of these revolutionary creations, I invited Fat-So Inc. President Gordy Blankenship to share with us why the fake company is becoming a leader in the obesity industry.

Message From the President

Let me tell you something, people. I’m a very smart man. When I saw other companies cashing in on infomercial schemes, weight loss hack-jobs, and exercise doo-dads, I just knew there was room for me.

Fat-So Inc offers quality products that will change your mind about the conventional methods of health and fitness. C’mon, people! Do you really have time for safe, proven techniques? That just won’t do, because we live in America. We want it fast and we want it now. My company caters to the impatient person (like you?) who doesn’t have time to wait for results.

We employ bottom rung top rated scientists to conduct research studies on humans (never animals) and, together with our team of product developers, bring fantastic innovations to the marketplace for my your benefit. Fat-So Inc. recently launched its first campaign for our high tech grocery glasses (the Shademaker 3000) right here on this blog, and thanks to the marketing influence of Yum Yucky, our sales are surging.

We hope you’ll become a customer of Fat-So Inc. in the near future. Stay tuned for our latest innovation, the Duct Tape Diet. Coming soon!

Gordy Blankenship

Josie’s translation? Fat-So Inc is a spoof on absurd health and weight loss products that are for sale in real life, but will never ever work. The company is totally fake, but if it weren’t, the impatient people be would be sinking their cash into it like crazy. And I’d be rich?

Photo credits: Andre Blais and Nicholas T