Connie Is Feeling Stabby

stabby Connie Is Feeling Stabby

Connie’s situation took a craptastic turn very early in the day. It’s not wise to sprint into traffic while wearing black, slip-on loafers. The damn shoe flew off as she ran across the street to catch the bus to work. Too bad public transportation does not wait for wardrobe malfunctions.

But trekking to work on foot wasn’t much of a bother. That is, if you consider hiking 20 city blocks on a muggy, 82-degree morning to be no big deal. Never mind she’s wearing the busted up shoe that got run over by an SUV, and a skirt that now has a fine line of butt crack sweat up the back, thanks to the forced power walk.

Perhaps it goes without saying, but Connie is feeling stabby.

Coincidentally, she forgot both her wallet and that fancy lunch she packed (veggies & hummus on a spinach wrap). The day is getting stabbier by the millisecond. When noontime rolled around Connie opened up the emergency can of chicken she had hidden in the deep, dark crevice of her desk drawer. You know, just in case the apocalypse hits. She would need food to survive.

The expiration date on the can: March 25, 2012.

Eff it. Connie ate the chicken anyway. How unfortunate that expired canned meat tastes like cat food. At least there were some of those leftover crispy noodles from last week’s Chinese takeout to sprinkle on the chicken.

But, ohhh damn. By the time 3pm rolled around, Connie’s stomach started gurgling — and you know what kind of gurgle I’m talking about. The kind that makes you nervous and causes an immediate assessment of your proximity to the rest room, complete with increase heart rate due to the stressful logistics involved in hoping you actually make it to the toilet. There may also be hot flashes involved, which Connie did indeed experience.

Why Connie, why did you eat ‘dem old chickens?

She held her butt cheeks as tight as possible while taking short, quick strides in the direction of the ladies room (don’t act like you’ve never had to do this). Harold from the Janitorial Department stopped her on the way.

“Hey, Cons. How’s your day going?”

“Harold, please. I told you not to call me Cons. My day is fine. Is the bathroom open?”

…more stomach gurgles…

He was just about to put up the CLOSED sign to take care of a toilet overflow.

“Bathroom’s closed, Cons. You’ll have to — ”

Connie didn’t wait for him to answer. She barreled through the bathroom door as her fears of intestinal liquid lava culminated into a scene from the explosion of Mount Vesuvius. Busted up shoes & butt crack sweat were minor inconveniences compared to hot lava. She made it just in time.

Fifteen minutes later, Connie wiped the sweat from her brow as she exited the bathroom to find Harold waiting, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. Their eyes met but no words were spoken by either person. There was just a knowing of what went down and the humanly respect not to say anything about it.

cons Connie Is Feeling StabbyAs Connie walked down the hall and turned the corner, Harold pulled out a gas mask from under his cleaning cart and stepped into the bathroom. He, too, is always prepared for apocalyptic-style events.

The stabbiness of Connie’s day may go down in history, but at least she has Yoga class after work to help melt the stress away. It’s just a lowdown dirty shame Connie didn’t realize the Yoga pants she packed are unraveling on the seam of the butt. Please cross your fingers for Connie. May her forward bends in class be accomplished without incident (but I seriously doubt it).  THE END

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Intermittent Fasting 12-Week Results

I began intermittent fasting (IF) on Jan 13th.

April 11th was the 12-week mark. Hellooooo results!
before after Intermittent Fasting 12 Week Results

click on image to enlarge

I’ve received a ton of questions about IF. I’m working on a Quick Start Guide to break down how to get started, how to be successful, and address all the burning questions you have.

The gist of my 12-week body transformation was this:

Intermittent Fasting + Strength Training + Occasional Greediness = Results

A Cinnabon is 880 calories. I ate about six Cinnabons during my 12-weeks of Intermittent Fasting. That’s not including all the restaurant-ing I did. Starving yourself and not allowing for indulgences is NOT the Yum Yucky way to transform your body.

cinnabon Intermittent Fasting 12 Week Results

If you have a daily commitment to your fitness and eat healthy on most days of the week, there’s no dang reason you can’t enjoy your favorite greedy treats.

April 2014 after Intermittent Fasting 12 Week ResultsIntermittent Fasting is a sustainable approach to my fitness. I’m going to continue with it. It’s become habit and I like how it makes me feel. Look for the Quick Start Guide to be rolled out soon and please shoot me any questions you have. XO!

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Calorie Killer Pills and Electro-Shock Weight Loss Collar

At present, I’m too lazy to harness precious brains cells for the purpose of delivering to you many verbose words to form a blog post. So how’s about we explore a visual library of several weight loss wonders instead???

Calorie Killer Pills: Take two pills, 15 times daily, to kill the calories dead. Each 500mg supplement contains a proprietary blend of explosive fat killing power never before tested on humans. But it’s totally safe and all natural.
caloriekillersmall Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

Food Teleporter: While I continue to fine tune my Calorie Transfer Device prototype (for transferring all unwanted calories to your haters) please bask in my Food Teleporter invention instead.

teleporter Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

Electro-Shock Collar for Weight Loss: Can’t put down the doughnuts? Too much barbecue sauce on ‘dem chicken wangs? You will never overeat again, thanks to the Electro Shock Collar for greedy-behavior modification. Delivering 150,000 volts of therapeutic electricity directly to your brain stem — that’ll teach ya not to overeat ever again. If you don’t need one of these I’m sure you know someone who does. Makes a great birthday gift ‘n stuff.

electriccollar Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

So there ya have it. Big on visuals with as little words a possible. Thank you and have a wonderful weekend of fitness — or go have yourself one helluva food coma. Whichever one you prefer best.

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The most balanced meal you’ve never seen in your life… until now.

If you thought you were gonna find here today some sauteed chicken livers & steamed wombat claws as a fine example of balanced meal-ing, then I’m sorry to disappoint. You better click away right now.

balanced meal The most balanced meal youve never seen in your life... until now.

Broccoli in the middle. One hot dog on each side to create proper balancing of the dinner-meal. Sadly, I forgot the mustard.

All that wonderful talk about intermittent fasting and clean eating does not change the fact that I eat “normal” meals for dinner. I eat what my family eats. Don’t even sweat it.

In a perfect world those hungry child-spawns of mine would enjoy grass fed meats that I slaughtered myself, complete with a side of organic cheeses and hand-plucked spices harvested during my travels to the remote mountaintops of Indonesia.

But my ass is exhausted after work. I do what I can to make it nutritious. If that means a nice, uber-healthy meal, then great. But if it ends up being a can of Chef Boyardee? Well that’s great, too.

If you think this meal is fancy, just wait until you hear about the bag of frozen meat patties made from mechanically separated poultry parts that I bought on purpose. That particular meal is also known as, So Damn Tired Chicken Sammich Night.

Do you find my family cooking style to be appalling or applauding? Please…go on. Tell me more about it in the comments.  

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That time I almost caught a tapeworm.

I was 10 years old. It was 1983. This a true story, ya’ll. This is what happened me.

My cousin dared me to eat a piece of raw food. And being the bold girl I was?

I did it. I ate it.

Then cousin started freaking out, telling me I was going to catch a tapeworm from the raw food. I hadn’t considered that before gnawing on the food. I was just trying to win the dare. I immediately went hysterical.

Grandma caught a tapeworm once. She ate undercooked pork. I’ve heard her tapeworm stories over and over again. It was like folklore. I could not go through that. Surely my life was over.  I would waste away into nothingness as the tail of a tapeworm wiggled out of my butt. Sorry to be graphic, but that’s how grandma told it.

Hysterical, in tears, hyperventilating and wondering just how long it would be before the tapeworm began to grown inside me — that’s when Auntie walked into the room.

We told her what I did. She would need to call the paramedics to have my stomach pumped before the tapeworm could lay eggs in my intestinal tract.

“What did you eat? said Auntie.

“Raw corn on the cob. I bit off one kernel.” Yes. I was sobbing.

“Huh? You can’t get a tapeworm from raw vegetables!” She rolled her eyes and walked away.

My life stopped spinning out of control at that very moment. And then we poured ourselves some Fruity Pebbles and played Atari. THE END

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Legs and Booty Training Day

Well here you have it. This is one of the several ways I do legs and booty. It’s squats & deadlifts, baby!

Working these large muscle groups during Intermittent Fasting can be tough if I don’t feed my bod the right foods. I’m sure to get in my Branched Chain Amino Acids during & after my workout, and focus on high protein meals & healthy carbs once I break my fast later in the day. There may even be a square of milk chocolate involved.

high protein Legs and Booty Training Day

In the pic is one of my typical meals during the week. Chicken breast with garlic & wine seasoning, plain baked potato and edamame with coconut oil (replaces butter). But don’t get it twisted. Once the weekend comes, I’m hauling ass to the mall for a Cinnabon.

I focus legs & booty twice per week, but also throw in some minor legs with my other workouts. Triceps video is up next, so watch for it!

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Selfie Pic FAIL

You know what, my peoples. I’m throwing in the towel. What’s the use of trying to be all fitness-like and getting my body in shape if, when I take a selfie, it comes out looking like this…

selfie1 Selfie Pic FAILDammit. I’m 10 shades of hot mess right here; looking like day-old moose oats sauteed in rancid rat giblets. All that’s missing is a booger, conveniently hanging out of my flared nostril.

Yup. This is what me and Greedy Baby do in the JCPenny dressing rooms. Sidenote: I did actually buy something… (I think).

dressing room pictures Selfie Pic FAIL

I now return you to your regularly scheduled fitness-ish blog content: go do some squats or something.

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Homemade Citrus Sweet Tea

It’s relaxing. It’s refreshing. It’s so dang easy, even a Food Coma victim can do it.

citrus sweet tea Homemade Citrus Sweet Tea

Citrus-infused flavored teas from the store can be hit or miss, especially when some of them taste like the floor cleaner our grandmothers use.

But now here comes something fabulous… hot or cold tea, infused with fresh, citrus ingredients that’ll slap you silly with the bold taste of Wonderful. Store-bought teas can’t compete. I promise.

INGREDIENTS

  • 1 black tea bag
  • 1 fresh orange, halved
  • 1 fresh lemon, halved
  • 1 packet Stevia, or your favorite non-artificial sweetener

DIRECTIONS

  • Prepare black tea as usual
  • Squeeze into cup the juice from 1/2 orange
  • Squeeze into cup the juice from 1/2 lemon
  • Add sweetener

preparation notes: The exact amount of citrus juice used is up to you. However, lemon juice should be about 1/2 the amount of orange juice used, as lemon can easily overpower the entire drink. Store the remaining lemon and orange halves in the fridge for future cups of tea.

This whole thing may seem like no big deal, but ohhh, the flavor is sensational. It delivers a calming & delicious experience. No doubt you will hear angelic harps in the background as you slurp your tea and are served tasty snack biscuits, carried to you on the backs of obedient unicorns.

Unicorn Meat Nutrition Facts

The tea will produce a lovely orange color (none of that artificial crap they put in flavored teas) and bring you citrus bonus points that include cleansing/detox benefits, boosting of your immune system through Vitamin C, and regulation of blood pressure & cholesterol, thanks to the phytonutrients citrus contains.

Ooops! Did you walk away and forget about your cup of tea? No worries, my friend. Citrus Sweet Tea tastes equally luxurious when served cold. Try it that way, too, — wonderfully chilled for sipping in the sunshine on a bright & sunny day.

citrus Homemade Citrus Sweet Tea

This tea will make you feel like a million bucks, whereby you can then cash yourself in and send those monies straight to me.

Wait…do you hear that? It’s the sound of unicorn hooves prancing your way. They’re carrying the snack biscuits with them. Better hurry up and make your tea.

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The Art of Laziness: 6 Tips to Improve Your Technique

Laziness is an art form. You should not feel bad about it. The techniques presented here are revolutionary. Don’t say I never helped you with anything…

#1. PROPER COUCH-AZZING POSITION: It’s an absolute must. If you didn’t know this already you are not worthy to indulge in laziness. Proper technique also requires creative use of blankets and/or pillows for ultimate lazy-comfort. Alternatively, you can lay your ass on the floor.

#2. BUCKET OF CRAPPY FOOD: Highly recommended. If you choose to be lazy while chomping on healthy food… well, that’s just all kinds of wrong. Grab some chips or something. Recommended food pairings also include Cheetos with Kool-Aid, popcorn with extra butters and/or multiple slabs of Bacon Jerky.

popcorn The Art of Laziness: 6 Tips to Improve Your Technique

#3. IF POSSIBLE, HAVE A CHILD NEARBY: Preferably, one who is not yet old enough to think fully for themselves. That way, when you command them to bring you cold drinks & snacks, there will be little-to-no fussing or back-talk from the kid. Although teenagers have the delusional idea they can 100% think for themselves, please save yourself the bullcrap. Use a younger kid instead.

lazy person The Art of Laziness: 6 Tips to Improve Your Technique

#4. TELEVISION REMOTE: Either have it nearby or act like you don’t know how to use the damn thing so someone will change the channel for you. I used the, “Oh my gawd, I don’t know what I’m doing” technique last week. It worked out well. The hubs came into the room and recorded my favorite show for me. So yes, this works.

#5. HEATING & COOLING SMARTPHONE APP: This is technologically impressive stuff for the most advanced lazy person. A heating & cooling app on your smartphone will empower you to not have to get your lazy ass up to adjust the thermostat setting in your home. Alternatively, you can bitch & whine until someone else adjusts the temperature for you. That is also very effective.

temperate app The Art of Laziness: 6 Tips to Improve Your Technique

#6. BONUS LAZY TIP FOR MOTHERS OF BOTTLE-FED BABIES: If the baby cries in the middle of the night wanting to eat, pretend you are sleeping. Pretend you don’t hear a damn thing so the husband will have to get up instead. I used this lazy technique frequently when my gremlin-children were babies. It’s very effective.

Disclaimer: The art of laziness is best performed in occasional bouts, intermixed with an active lifestyle. Be lazy at your own risk. I will not be held liable for excess laziness that leads to back pain, weight gain, or personal guilt stemming from you sitting on your ass for too long.

Do you find these tips uber-fabulous? Got any lazy techniques you’d like to share? Hit me up in the comments, baby.

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Good Morning, Bitch Face

bitchface Good Morning, Bitch Face

The clock read 6:08 am. Yup. She overslept.

Sandy crawled out of bed, let out a fart, then picked the wedgie from her butt crack. There’s just no pleasant way to put it. It’s what happened.

“Good morning to me,” she groaned in a bitchy voice. Self-directed sarcasm is apparently a thing now. Shame on you for not keeping up with the trends.

Getting out of bed was the easy part. Entering the hallway and traveling, ninja style, past the kid’s room to take a much-needed pee would require exceptional skill. The recruitment of additional brain cells required to strategically place her footing oh-so-gently to prevent the wood floors from creaking was pretty much a matter of life and death.

If she didn’t maneuver on the floor boards just right, it would ignite an explosive chain reaction that would begin by the kid waking up too early and totally screwing Sandy out of her workout. This apocalyptic event would conclude by the earth dislodging from its axis and our planet spinning wildly out of control throughout the universe.

Dear gawd, please don’t creak ‘dem floor boards.

Sandy pulled back her brunette bed-head into a messy bun and took that courageous first step into the hallway.

One foot maneuvers to the left. Now turn the right ankle inward in an uncomfortable, unnatural position for a 2-foot leap forward onto the toes only. Shhh! Quiet now. Keep the arms out for balance and hold breath. If breath is not held, the extra heaviness of oxygen moving in & out the lungs is enough to cause weighted pressure on the floor boards.

Slowly… SLOWLY!!!

Whew. Sandy made it to the bathroom with impressive, silent precision.

Just as she was about to close the bathroom door, the junk in her trunk bumped John’s electro-shaver off the edge of the sink. Dammit! The shaver broke into 3 large pieces on the floor — the kind of brokenness she hoped Krazy Glue would fix in a hurry if John wasn’t already stomping up the stairs to investigate the clanging.

John has Sasquatch feet dipped in concrete. So much for Sandy’s silent maneuvers across the floor boards. Didn’t make a difference now. She could’ve bowled herself across the hall instead, hitting every wall like a human pinball. Surely the earth is falling off its axis at this very moment. Please put on your crash helmet.

“Mom-meeeee. Where are you? I want youuuu.”

Oh great. It was the girl-child, Jilly. She had the morning voice of a 70-year-old chain smoking grandpa on valium. Rather unsavory for such a cute kid. And please, a quick sidenote here: Her name is pronounced Jill-e. Not “Jelly”. Don’t ever say, read or even think it to be pronounced as Jelly because the kid will have a bitch fit.

Considering John’s electro-shaver problem, he didn’t utter a word. The glazed over, pseudo-psychotic look in Sandy’s eyes was enough for him to pretend it never happened. He picked up the shaver pieces in dead silence. Sandy headed down the stairs, totally ignoring Jilly’s beckoning. The child would find her anyway.

6:14 am now. Workout must be done by 6:45 am. Workout clothes not even on yet. This is not good.

At the bottom of the steps Sandy sensed that planet Krypton had also fallen of its axis. The living room — her workout space — was in shambles. Broken crayons everywhere. A roll of toilet paper streamed across the couch. Why? No one really knows. Construction paper cut into 150,498 tiny confetti pieces all over the floor (yes, she counted). DVDs strewn everywhere, including the one they bought last weekend, now cracked in half from being stepped on. A bowl of Trix cereal sat upside down in a pool of milk on the area rug.

It was like a scene out of Sesame Street meets Hoarders.

“What the hell!!” Sandy’s bitch-voice rose 15 decibels and redirected itself at the people responsible: Jilly and John.

Jilly’s nickname is The Destroyer. No explanation necessary. Last night John hung out with Jilly so Sandy could hit the hay early. After tucking Jilly in way too late (did he even notice the mess?), he ate a sammich and fell asleep on the floor.

6:37 now. Sandy’s unexpected morning maid chores ate into her workout time like a chained-up billy goat eating its first meal in weeks. But there was just enough time for some quick stretching. Better than nothing. Better than whining. Better than being all woe-is-me about the situation.

Sandy gave herself a quick attitude adjustment in an effort to lose the bitch-face, and squeezed in a few successful minutes of stretching. At 6:45 she headed back upstairs to deal with The Destroyer and Silent John before getting ready for work.

But wait… she stepped on something hard & crusty. Upon closer examination it proved to be a piece of burnt bacon from last night’s BLT’s. There was a brief, zero-point-five seconds when she thought about eating it.

…because bacon makes everything all better?

THE END

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Disclaimer: Not all exercise programs are suitable for everyone. Check with your doctor before beginning any exercise program. Neither Josie, YumYucky.com, nor anyone else associated with this website will be responsible or liable for any injury you sustain while exercising.