Top 10 Uses For Lard

lard Top 10 Uses For Lard

7. Woman-Whisker Remover: Spread lard onto the chin & upper lip. Wait 5 minutes then watch the whiskers melt away.

8. Couch-azzing Preventer: Melt lard and pour onto couch. Couch will be too slippery & hot for you to sit on your azz too long.

9. Cleavage Enhancer: Generously apply lard to the boobs. The lard fat will then penetrate the breasts and cause chest-bloating, thereby increasing cleavage ratio.

10. Anti-Snoring Device: If your significant other starts snoring, smather lard onto the offender, then push him/her with your foot until he/she slides off bed onto floor.

Think I don’t own some lard? I’ve got two packs of the stuff in the kitchen right now.

[photo credit]

Comments

  1. Geosomin says:

    This reminds me of a skit my husband shot for a comedy show he worked on years ago…they set up a booth in the farmer’s market and just tried to get people to try samples of lard, pretending to be from the Lard Council. He had it all cut up into nice little cubes on toothpicks, and offered it to people to try and got their opinion and asked them their favourite uses for lard. He actually got a few people to munch on it (after eating some himself…blech) and some older cute people regailed him with stories of how they used lard in the “old days”. Definitely the oddest request he’s ever given me as prop assistant “Hey hon, can I have some lard and toothpicks for tomorrow’s shoot?”
    Um…ok…
    Geosomin recently posted..like a well oiled (squeaky!) machine

  2. Sable@SquatLikeALady says:

    haha! I love this list! I use lard to moisturize my hands. Honestly.

  3. :-D!!!!!!!!!!! I need the whisker remover but in may case the hair on my face is EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    Jody – Fit at 54 recently posted..Gratitude Monday & Friends!

  4. Portia says:

    Woman-whiskers..No you didn’t. Hee, hee. Okay this made me laugh. Love #8.
    Portia recently posted..A Taste of Summer & The Best Darn Peach Jam Ever

  5. mimi says:

    Great smiles from a great list. Now if only i could find lard that’s not hydrogenated; after nursing 4 kids my tatas could use it… ;)

  6. Steve says:

    By golly, my cleavage is popping out all over the place now. Thanks, Yum Yucky!
    Steve recently posted..With humility and gratitude.

  7. How come you still have lard in your cupboards? Wouldn’t you have used it all up by now? Use #11 – stuff in mouth and nose of those laughing too hard at your posts. Spew ewwwwwwww
    KymberlyFunFit recently posted..How Do Your Personality, Luck, and Gender Affect Your Health?

  8. Emergefit says:

    Lard is something they pray to in the south — like a real divine entity. I don’t get it. Everywhere I go below the Mason Dixon Line, I hear people saying things like, “Oh lard, please save my soul.” Or, “Oh lard, have mercy on me!” Weird that they choose to worship pig fat instead of a god that doubles down and shows up twice…
    Emergefit recently posted..The Strength To Quit…

  9. Patrick says:

    And candle, I have a friend who is a survivalist nut and he makes emergency candles out of lard. Hmmm, I wonder if the people at Glade might want to consider a line of survivalist products. Candles from lard, then those air fresheners that mist when you walk by them, spritz a lard scent into the air. Too much?
    Patrick recently posted..My Visual Pyramid, Foundation Underway

    • yumyucky says:

      …and now I’m thinking if one applied lard to the armpits, the scent-o-lard aroma would also be evidenced. The Glade & Airwick people are totally missing out. The Febreeze people, too.

  10. Big Manny says:

    My brothers 4th X wife, Ruth (lard ass) Miller

  11. Jerri from Texas says:

    I found this sight searching for antiwrinkle possibilties,and had a very good chuckle instead.you all are so funnyI needed a good laugh,awsome.

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