7. Woman-Whisker Remover: Spread lard onto the chin & upper lip. Wait 5 minutes then watch the whiskers melt away.
8. Couch-azzing Preventer: Melt lard and pour onto couch. Couch will be too slippery & hot for you to sit on your azz too long.
9. Cleavage Enhancer: Generously apply lard to the boobs. The lard fat will then penetrate the breasts and cause chest-bloating, thereby increasing cleavage ratio.
10. Anti-Snoring Device: If your significant other starts snoring, smather lard onto the offender, then push him/her with your foot until he/she slides off bed onto floor.
Think I don’t own some lard? I’ve got two packs of the stuff in the kitchen right now.