Calling all lazy parents and flat-chested women! This one’s for you.

I didn’t expect much. It kinda looks like pure nastiness in the picture, but who would’ve thought a boxed biscuit would be so freaking delicious? Morningstar Bacon Egg & Cheese Biscuits are big and plump with a country-fresh appearance that will remind you of homemade. There’s nothing flimsy about this biscuit. It’s actually pretty dang heavy from the size of the biscuit and hearty filling of egg, cheese and fake bacon stuffed in it.

But even more mystical is how the biscuit is able to serve these diverse niches in the food-eating community:

• For the lazy busy parent looking to hasten their child’s morning breakfast routine so they can dump the kid off at school faster, these biscuits are a more filling alternative to cereal or frozen waffle pucks.
• For the flat-chested woman, she may consider stuffing the biscuits in her bra for the temporary sensation of bigger, heavier breasts before fully committing to surgical silicon services. Because why? One serving size is very big. You won’t require a second biscuit unless you’re really greedy…which you might be, of course.

I have no idea how Morningstar pulled this off. The biscuits are fluffy and delicious. While the filling is NOT as much as pictured on the box, it really doesn’t matter. It’s still a lot of food and the taste goes a long way towards activating the pleasure sensors in my cranium. Before cracking open the box, I wasn’t sure it was worth the price for 3 biscuits, but that $4.89 will truly feed 3 people, or feed your hungry azz 3 days in a row.

HEAVY BREAST NOTES

• Price Paid: $4.89 for box of 3
• Serving Size:  1 Biscuit
• Calories: 270
• Fat Calories: 80
• Total Fat: 8g
• Sat. Fat: 4g
• Sodium: 630mg
• Carbs: 40g
• Fiber: 1g
• Sugars: 5g
• Protein: 9g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Health-hater Husband: It’s like homemade. Doesn’t taste microwaved.

Greedy Kid #1: (She took one bite and ran off with the biscuit like a hungry rat.)

Greedy Kid #3: Mmm…this tastes real good. I can taste the bacon in it.

Yum UP! to: Fooling Greedy Kid #3. He thought he was eating real bacon.

Yuck Down to: Frozen waffle pucks. I’m always hungry 30-seconds later.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.