Did you ever meet somebody sexy-looking (if/when you were single) and think that he/she was super fine? They seemed be to the whole package and YOU were awesome enough to score a date with this sexy specimen.

So the date is going fine until he/she starts talking. Their breath is ferocious atrocious – like hot coals doused in raw sewage. But you try to be cool about it and continue with the date anyway…until you notice the crusty booger waving at you from the opening of their nostril.

It’s just too much to bear. There’s nothing sexy about this specimen, and for all you know, they’re probably not even wearing clean underwear. This date is over, dammit.

So now you understand the kind of disappointment I experienced with the Muscle Milk Light Hunger Control Bar. I was fooled by what disguised itself as chocolate-peanut-caramel bliss, but what I got was a chalky-tasting bar so dense, that my eating jaw seemed to suffer internal bruising from chewing exhaustion. The little remnants of eating energy I had left were spent masterminding a way to get the dense-stickiness off my teeth. (brown teeth at work is not good, people)

For $1.99 you get bar that’s 2.75-inches long and 0.75-inches thick with a layer of caramel so thin, you can barely taste it, plus a minutiae amount of nuts (I counted 2). It’s low in sugar – only 9 grams – and is initially reminiscent of a thinkThin bar, but nowhere near as excellent. Not even close.

Shocker: The first two main ingredients listed are “hydrolyzed gelatin” and polydextrose. The polydextrose is described by e-How as “a synthetic food additive. Acting as a bulking agent to enhance the taste of reduced-calorie foods, polydextrose is commonly used as a substitute for sugar, starch and fat in many commercial food products. It is also used as a means to increase the fiber content of many products, and is often classified as fiber on nutrition labels.”

But here’s the extra face-smack. The low grams of sugar is made possible because it includes a dousing of sucralose. I NEVER eat that crap. I was bedazzled and never checked the label before buying. So now my stomach is twisted and I feel lightheaded. Wish I hadn’t done this. #FAIL

MUSCULAR NOTES

• Price Paid: $1.99 for 1.6 ounce bar (small)
• Calories: 170
• Fat Calories: 50
• Total Fat: 6g
• Sat. Fat: 4g
• Sodium: 105mg
• Carbs: 18g
• Fiber: 4g
• Sugars: 9g
• Protein: 15g

REACTIONS FROM THE TASTE TEST CREW

Whatevah. I’m not going to feed my family sucrash!t <–aka, sucralose/Splenda.

Yum UP! to: Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Yuck Down to: Chalky flavor. It’s the worst.

View the complete Taste Test Directory and Fast Food Cheat Sheets.