Fitness Romance Saga
Unicorn Meat Nutrition Facts. Plus, the Human Mother of All Unicorns.
August 6th, 2010 • 21 Comments | Leave a Comment »
How It’s Made (Unicorn Law): The unicorn beast can only be captured at the hands of a young virgin, age 18-21. This makes the meat very expensive (about $175 for a 5-ounce can) since virgins of this age are typically hard to find. Promiscuous whores of any age are prohibited from stepping foot on the unicorn farm, as is PETA – no exceptions.
While young, non-virgin baby breeders (like I was at age 20) cannot capture the beast, we do not hold it against them. These women are authorized to can the unicorn meat at the processing facility once it has been slayed. Baby breeders are paid a fair wage of $29 per hour with free on-site child care provided during unicorn canning hours.
SELECT NUTRITION FACTS
- Sparkles and Rainbows: 100 grams per serving
- Love, Kisses and Hugs: 5,000mg per bite
- Smile, Giggles and Happiness: 1,500 grams
- Superglue Loin: empty calories
The Magic Horn is inedible, but can serve as your defense in case of home invasion and, alternatively, as a device to slay your evil co-workers.
THE HUMAN MOTHER OF ALL UNICORNS
She grew a Cutaneous Horn for 20 years, but before having it surgically removed, Mother Unicorn bore many mystical beasts that spread magic and rainbows and glittery dreams.
21 Comments
Leave a Comment
Comment FormGuidelines: I reserve the right to delete off-topic, inflammatory, or anonymous comments.
XHTML: You can use these tags:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>
Eunice August 6th, 2010 at 10:09
I’m scarred for life after seeing that unicorn lady. I can’t even scroll back up to look at it. Byyyy the wayyyy, I would’ve been eligible to capture some unicorns. Booyah!
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
August 6th, 2010 at 10:14 am
Ahhh! Congrats that you would have been eligible. That is more magically-wonderful than Mother Unicorn herself.
[Reply]
SkippyMom August 6th, 2010 at 10:25
Can you stop posting this kind of sh*t – I love to read your blog woman, but you are grossing me out. My poor heart can’t take it. lol. ICK, ICK and DOUBLE ICK.
[Reply]
Salina Living Active August 6th, 2010 at 10:35
OMG, that lady is a FREAK! Ew! What I want to know is why keep it growing for 20 years? Seriously. 1-800-shoot me! Then I wonder about hygene and stuff. Sex? What kinda guy is going to enjoy looking at that? And the questions just keep on rollin’.
[Reply]
Christine August 6th, 2010 at 11:09
OMG this post was….wow…seriously????
That horn?!?!
I’m going to barf up my morning peanut butter now.
*runs for the bathroom*
OMG!
[Reply]
Ryan @NoMoreBacon August 6th, 2010 at 11:37
You know I love this one. You just know I do.
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
August 6th, 2010 at 11:46 am
inspired by, and dedicated to YOU!
[Reply]
SheFit August 6th, 2010 at 13:15
Now I’m going to have dreams of growing a horn and becoming a unicorn… freaky!
[Reply]
JourneyBeyondSurvival August 6th, 2010 at 15:30
That horn doesn’t look hard. It looks like infected poop. I belong to PETA. Or would have joined if forced to work on the unicorn farm. Generally, I think that lady didn’t wash her face or comb her hair.
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
August 6th, 2010 at 3:37 pm
I personally don’t think she needed surgery. Just a little whisk of the hair in front of the forehead, and keep on rollin’. If you think it’s infected poop, maybe this is what you call a brain fart…or shart. Take your pic.
[Reply]
JourneyBeyondSurvival Reply:
August 6th, 2010 at 3:51 pm
@Josie
You’re completely right. I think that sweep sort of bang would have covered it up, along with enough hairspray to qualify for ’80′s news anchor. The sculptural kind.
[Reply]
Jody - Fit at 52 August 6th, 2010 at 15:53
That is just gross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Where do you find this stuff! YUCK!
[Reply]
Ernesto (You On a Diet) August 6th, 2010 at 20:00
This is it Josie! This post is your Mona Lisa! WOW… I left my cubicle in tears before I even got to Hornrietta. Why? Because it took me getting past the nutrition facts before realizing this was “Unicorn Rainbow” LOL LOL. I was like “where can I get some of that canned goodness.”
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
August 6th, 2010 at 8:22 pm
hahahaha! I do likes this one a lot. I think I read it 5 times today from happy proud-ness. Cubicle tears? lol
[Reply]
sophia August 6th, 2010 at 23:02
Wow. That is gross!!! But so hilariously so. I wish you had a tabloid!
[Reply]
Angela Horstman August 7th, 2010 at 9:29
Ugg, that is just NAS-TY! My boys thought it was pretty funny though.
Where do you find this stuff?!
[Reply]
Emergefit August 7th, 2010 at 18:25
If you were trying to get me aroused with the unicorn lady, it totally worked. God help my dog tonight!
[Reply]
Yum Yucky Reply:
August 7th, 2010 at 7:47 pm
poor dog
[Reply]
Frannie August 8th, 2010 at 1:41
WHAT THE HECK!!! Hopefully the Unicorn meat wasn’t processed in a factory. It probably has other non-magical parts included.
That woman looks more like she’s related to Satan than a Unicorn :O.
[Reply]
caronae August 8th, 2010 at 21:49
This is too cute! Unicorn lovers unite. Except we shouldn’t eat them. Dragons, on the other hand….muahahahaha
[Reply]
Josie Reply:
August 8th, 2010 at 10:39 pm
Eh, dragon meat has too much gristle and carcinogens. ya know?
[Reply]