Last time I enjoyed the deep blue sea was during my mermaid phase. I took a swim with my merman boyfriend and he commissioned this painting of me. But then I turned human and everything changed.

Deep, dark bodies of waters scare the hell out of me. I can not see what lurkes beneath, so I freak out over the thought of entering the watery depths.

I will never EVER do a triathlon because it involves waters of the unknown.

Josie’s Real Life Watery Nightmare

We took a drip to Destin, Florida. The skies are blue, the sand is white, and the water is pristine. As the family frolicked in several feet of water, the manta rays came near. I saw them coming.

People approached to engage these large sea creatures, but I screamed in fear as if Jaws were attacking. There was no shame in my loud shrieks. No manta ray was going to eat my child. I removed my spawns from the water.

Later on I parasailed where the water goes deep and dark. I was mesmerized by the large school of manta rays that swam below. Yet I was safe, flying overtop these creatures.

Then something went wrong. I decided to banana boat, but the driver went out way too far. The people on the beach looked like little specks now, and I was riding with an idiot passenger. She bounced up and down on that dang banana boat until I fell off the back. But the driver kept right on going.

And going. And going. And going.

He thought I was still on the back. And now the banana boat was a small speck too. I was all alone in that deep, dark ocean. In the very same spot where I parasailed overtop the manta rays. Hundreds of them.

I started to hyperventilate. Fear prevented me from efficiently treading water. I tried to keep my head up, but I gulped water. I screamed for help too. But only the manta rays heard me.

Then finally! I was rescued by a Jet Ski hero. Was it my former merman boyfriend grown legs to come and save me? I believe it was. Now I am safe. And I will never EVER get in the water like that again.

These events also led to even more conclusions:

• I will never do a triathlon
• I will never frolick with sea creatures
• Banana boats are NOT cool

Josie does not mess with deep, dark bodies of water.