Nope. My deep dark kitchen secret is NOT a bunch of cockroaches running around. But is it equally appalling?
This secret of mine is no fault of my own. I’ve been forced into slavery by the unhealthy minds that I dwell with. They make me buy things at the grocery store that cause me to shake my head in disgust and say, “Why is this in my kitchen?”
I am not proud.
I tried to revolt but it led to harassments and whinings orchestrated by Health-hater Husband. It’s beyond what I’m able to endure so I need you to feel sorry for me. I give in and buy the crap stuff sometimes, because I don’t want to hear the Greedy Family complain and make me miserable.
I buy 25-pound packages of Domino Sugar. It lasts about 5 months and is mostly used for husband’s coffee, homemade baked goods that go terribly wrong, and for the secret sprinkling of sugar onto healthy cereal behind my back.
I know all about sugar substitutes like Stevia. I tried to make them use it, but it didn’t work.
I buy crap cereal so the kids will keep quiet. Not very often, but it happens. Greedy Kid #1 tried to argue that Froot Loops contain more fiber than Frosted Mini Wheats. After I loudly proved her wrong in the middle of the store, she threw something at me (supposedly) for fun.
But she missed.
And hit an innocent shopper.
“Sorry dude”. That’s what I said. Well, not exactly, but thank goodness he wasn’t pissed.
Mmmm. I bought it for myself. This pumpkin pie is for me. The family does not know about it. I stashed it deep in the fridge behind some old, wilted vegetables and I’m going to pull it out for a chomp-fest after they all start snoring.
Sugar and Froot Loops are shameful secrets beyond my control, but this secret pie is a deep dark secret I am proud of.
(And I’m the only one in the house who deserves pie.)