Meet Zardoz, the sinister, loin strapped brute who held me captive in fitness submission. He dictated what I could and could not eat, how I worked out, and brainwashed me to believe that his methods were superior and the only road to results.
Zardoz’s tyrannical BS made me miserable, but I didn’t know any better than to stay “safe” in the confines of his mainstream grip and do as I was told. His ways work for some people and that’s perfectly fine, but Zardoz is no good for me. I’m breaking out of this joint. Care to escape with me? (careful, he’s got a gun)
Zardoz says: If you want to burn fat you must run on a treadmill or go for a long jog.
Josie says: Screw running. I never really enjoyed it. It’s boring and my genetically prominent booty jiggles too much when I run. I’d rather do intensity intervals.
Zardoz says: Eat quinoa (keen-wha) like all the cool people do.
Josie says: Yeah, they’re cool, but I don’t like quinoa and I don’t need to fit in. And if I want to pronounce it, “key-no-a”, that’s what I’ll do. Now pass me the polenta!
Zardoz says: Do yoga. You’ll relax your mind and get a spiritual connection.
Josie says: No thanks. I tried this glorified stretching and threw my back out. If I want to be put in some weird, spine twisting position…well, I’ll just keep to myself how I can get personal help with that. Besides, the only proven way I relax my mind and get connected to the Spirit is by prayer, not through tree and dog poses.
Zardoz says: Drink your calories with replacement meals and don’t forget to add the protein powder.
Josie says: The closest I’ll ever get to a replacement meal is my strawberry-banana smoothie. Besides that, give me real food I can chew on. I’ll get my protein that way.
Zardoz says: Do not reward yourself with food.
Josie says: And do what instead? Reward myself with a pedicure, a new outfit, or a bubble bath? I’m going to do all of that anyway. I sweat my butt off and eat responsibly all week, so just give me the donut already! I believe in moderation, not deprivation.
Yummy Disclaimer: This is what works for me. Don’t do exactly as I do then get ticked when it doesn’t work out. Find your own personal groove. If it’s the Zardoz way, that’s great, but if Zardoz makes you miserable its time to switch things up a bit so you can enjoy the fitness ride and be more likely to stick to your program. Check out JCD Fitness for more inspiration on how to escape the clutches of Zardoz.
Note: Zardoz’s original job was in the 1974 science fiction film, Zardoz.