The Problem with Biscuits and Cornbread

no butter The Problem with Biscuits and Cornbread

Don’t let this shizz happen to YOU. If you do, I will hunt you down. I will find you. I will stock your ‘frigerator with da buttahs.

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Flat Abs Meal Planning Ideas

Now that the Easter eating-fest is over (yes, that’s what happened), my time of grazing on delectable high calorie goodness like a hungry bison roaming wild on the range must also come to an end. This is my new, favorite flat abs meal:

Grilled chicken & sauteed greens with garlic over a bed of spaghetti squash.

spaghetti squash Flat Abs Meal Planning Ideas

It’s been prepped, packed for several day’s worth, and ready for eating as my very first meal during each day of intermittent fasting. So easy to make, pack and gnaw on for the acquisition or maintenance a great mid-section. My mother showed me the ease of making this. It’s one of those loosey-goosey recipes you just throw together without measuring — cook it up with your own personal artistic flare.

Directions: season & grill your chicken breast as the spaghetti squash bakes for approximately 50 minutes. Prior to serving, sautee’ spinach (or your favorite mixed greens) with fresh garlic and olive oil. Put everything together real pretty on a plate, add salt & pepper, and then chew.

FLAT ABS MEAL PLANNING IDEAS

Don’t complicate your meals. Keep it simple with basic combinations of protein, veggies and healthy carbs. Here are the staple food items I stick to during the week (for eating during the day):

  • Protein: tilapia, chicken breast, edamame, whole eggs
  • Healthy Fats: coconut & olive oils
  • Healthy Carbs: brown rice, sweet potatoes
  • Afternoon Snacks: eggo smathered in raw honey & bee pollen, or one small square of milk chocolate
  • Evening Snack: cereal… awww yeah!

And for dinner? I eat what my family eats, whether it be a chicken & rice, pork chops, BLTs or grilled cheese. It’s no big deal.

I’m pretty much a straight shooter with the meal planning. I don’t leave a lot of room for crappy junk food that’s not worth it. Instead, room is left for weekend noshing on things are worth it, like French toast & sausage, greedy pizza slices and ice cream.

Feed your stomach the food planning ideas listed above, or add your own healthy favorites to each category for more tasty flat abs combos. Please whine to me in the comments if you’re feeling justifiably too lazy to cook anything up. I will food teleport you a sample meal. BOOM!

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Connie Is Feeling Stabby

stabby Connie Is Feeling Stabby

Connie’s situation took a craptastic turn very early in the day. It’s not wise to sprint into traffic while wearing black, slip-on loafers. The damn shoe flew off as she ran across the street to catch the bus to work. Too bad public transportation does not wait for wardrobe malfunctions.

But trekking to work on foot wasn’t much of a bother. That is, if you consider hiking 20 city blocks on a muggy, 82-degree morning to be no big deal. Never mind she’s wearing the busted up shoe that got run over by an SUV, and a skirt that now has a fine line of butt crack sweat up the back, thanks to the forced power walk.

Perhaps it goes without saying, but Connie is feeling stabby.

Coincidentally, she forgot both her wallet and that fancy lunch she packed (veggies & hummus on a spinach wrap). The day is getting stabbier by the millisecond. When noontime rolled around Connie opened up the emergency can of chicken she had hidden in the deep, dark crevice of her desk drawer. You know, just in case the apocalypse hits. She would need food to survive.

The expiration date on the can: March 25, 2012.

Eff it. Connie ate the chicken anyway. How unfortunate that expired canned meat tastes like cat food. At least there were some of those leftover crispy noodles from last week’s Chinese takeout to sprinkle on the chicken.

But, ohhh damn. By the time 3pm rolled around, Connie’s stomach started gurgling — and you know what kind of gurgle I’m talking about. The kind that makes you nervous and causes an immediate assessment of your proximity to the rest room, complete with increase heart rate due to the stressful logistics involved in hoping you actually make it to the toilet. There may also be hot flashes involved, which Connie did indeed experience.

Why Connie, why did you eat ‘dem old chickens?

She held her butt cheeks as tight as possible while taking short, quick strides in the direction of the ladies room (don’t act like you’ve never had to do this). Harold from the Janitorial Department stopped her on the way.

“Hey, Cons. How’s your day going?”

“Harold, please. I told you not to call me Cons. My day is fine. Is the bathroom open?”

…more stomach gurgles…

He was just about to put up the CLOSED sign to take care of a toilet overflow.

“Bathroom’s closed, Cons. You’ll have to — ”

Connie didn’t wait for him to answer. She barreled through the bathroom door as her fears of intestinal liquid lava culminated into a scene from the explosion of Mount Vesuvius. Busted up shoes & butt crack sweat were minor inconveniences compared to hot lava. She made it just in time.

Fifteen minutes later, Connie wiped the sweat from her brow as she exited the bathroom to find Harold waiting, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. Their eyes met but no words were spoken by either person. There was just a knowing of what went down and the humanly respect not to say anything about it.

cons Connie Is Feeling StabbyAs Connie walked down the hall and turned the corner, Harold pulled out a gas mask from under his cleaning cart and stepped into the bathroom. He, too, is always prepared for apocalyptic-style events.

The stabbiness of Connie’s day may go down in history, but at least she has Yoga class after work to help melt the stress away. It’s just a lowdown dirty shame Connie didn’t realize the Yoga pants she packed are unraveling on the seam of the butt. Please cross your fingers for Connie. May her forward bends in class be accomplished without incident (but I seriously doubt it).  THE END

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Intermittent Fasting 12-Week Results

I began intermittent fasting (IF) on Jan 13th.

April 11th was the 12-week mark. Hellooooo results!
before after Intermittent Fasting 12 Week Results

click on image to enlarge

I’ve received a ton of questions about IF. I’m working on a Quick Start Guide to break down how to get started, how to be successful, and address all the burning questions you have.

The gist of my 12-week body transformation was this:

Intermittent Fasting + Strength Training + Occasional Greediness = Results

A Cinnabon is 880 calories. I ate about six Cinnabons during my 12-weeks of Intermittent Fasting. That’s not including all the restaurant-ing I did. Starving yourself and not allowing for indulgences is NOT the Yum Yucky way to transform your body.

cinnabon Intermittent Fasting 12 Week Results

If you have a daily commitment to your fitness and eat healthy on most days of the week, there’s no dang reason you can’t enjoy your favorite greedy treats.

April 2014 after Intermittent Fasting 12 Week ResultsIntermittent Fasting is a sustainable approach to my fitness. I’m going to continue with it. It’s become habit and I like how it makes me feel. Look for the Quick Start Guide to be rolled out soon and please shoot me any questions you have. XO!

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Calorie Killer Pills and Electro-Shock Weight Loss Collar

At present, I’m too lazy to harness precious brains cells for the purpose of delivering to you many verbose words to form a blog post. So how’s about we explore a visual library of several weight loss wonders instead???

Calorie Killer Pills: Take two pills, 15 times daily, to kill the calories dead. Each 500mg supplement contains a proprietary blend of explosive fat killing power never before tested on humans. But it’s totally safe and all natural.
caloriekillersmall Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

Food Teleporter: While I continue to fine tune my Calorie Transfer Device prototype (for transferring all unwanted calories to your haters) please bask in my Food Teleporter invention instead.

teleporter Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

Electro-Shock Collar for Weight Loss: Can’t put down the doughnuts? Too much barbecue sauce on ‘dem chicken wangs? You will never overeat again, thanks to the Electro Shock Collar for greedy-behavior modification. Delivering 150,000 volts of therapeutic electricity directly to your brain stem — that’ll teach ya not to overeat ever again. If you don’t need one of these I’m sure you know someone who does. Makes a great birthday gift ‘n stuff.

electriccollar Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

So there ya have it. Big on visuals with as little words a possible. Thank you and have a wonderful weekend of fitness — or go have yourself one helluva food coma. Whichever one you prefer best.

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Disclaimer: Not all exercise programs are suitable for everyone. Check with your doctor before beginning any exercise program. Neither Josie, YumYucky.com, nor anyone else associated with this website will be responsible or liable for any injury you sustain while exercising.