Connie Is Feeling Stabby

stabby Connie Is Feeling Stabby

Connie’s situation took a craptastic turn very early in the day. It’s not wise to sprint into traffic while wearing black, slip-on loafers. The damn shoe flew off as she ran across the street to catch the bus to work. Too bad public transportation does not wait for wardrobe malfunctions.

But trekking to work on foot wasn’t much of a bother. That is, if you consider hiking 20 city blocks on a muggy, 82-degree morning to be no big deal. Never mind she’s wearing the busted up shoe that got run over by an SUV, and a skirt that now has a fine line of butt crack sweat up the back, thanks to the forced power walk.

Perhaps it goes without saying, but Connie is feeling stabby.

Coincidentally, she forgot both her wallet and that fancy lunch she packed (veggies & hummus on a spinach wrap). The day is getting stabbier by the millisecond. When noontime rolled around Connie opened up the emergency can of chicken she had hidden in the deep, dark crevice of her desk drawer. You know, just in case the apocalypse hits. She would need food to survive.

The expiration date on the can: March 25, 2012.

Eff it. Connie ate the chicken anyway. How unfortunate that expired canned meat tastes like cat food. At least there were some of those leftover crispy noodles from last week’s Chinese takeout to sprinkle on the chicken.

But, ohhh damn. By the time 3pm rolled around, Connie’s stomach started gurgling — and you know what kind of gurgle I’m talking about. The kind that makes you nervous and causes an immediate assessment of your proximity to the rest room, complete with increase heart rate due to the stressful logistics involved in hoping you actually make it to the toilet. There may also be hot flashes involved, which Connie did indeed experience.

Why Connie, why did you eat ‘dem old chickens?

She held her butt cheeks as tight as possible while taking short, quick strides in the direction of the ladies room (don’t act like you’ve never had to do this). Harold from the Janitorial Department stopped her on the way.

“Hey, Cons. How’s your day going?”

“Harold, please. I told you not to call me Cons. My day is fine. Is the bathroom open?”

…more stomach gurgles…

He was just about to put up the CLOSED sign to take care of a toilet overflow.

“Bathroom’s closed, Cons. You’ll have to — ”

Connie didn’t wait for him to answer. She barreled through the bathroom door as her fears of intestinal liquid lava culminated into a scene from the explosion of Mount Vesuvius. Busted up shoes & butt crack sweat were minor inconveniences compared to hot lava. She made it just in time.

Fifteen minutes later, Connie wiped the sweat from her brow as she exited the bathroom to find Harold waiting, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed. Their eyes met but no words were spoken by either person. There was just a knowing of what went down and the humanly respect not to say anything about it.

cons Connie Is Feeling StabbyAs Connie walked down the hall and turned the corner, Harold pulled out a gas mask from under his cleaning cart and stepped into the bathroom. He, too, is always prepared for apocalyptic-style events.

The stabbiness of Connie’s day may go down in history, but at least she has Yoga class after work to help melt the stress away. It’s just a lowdown dirty shame Connie didn’t realize the Yoga pants she packed are unraveling on the seam of the butt. Please cross your fingers for Connie. May her forward bends in class be accomplished without incident (but I seriously doubt it).  THE END

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Intermittent Fasting 12-Week Results

I began intermittent fasting (IF) on Jan 13th.

April 11th was the 12-week mark. Hellooooo results!
before after Intermittent Fasting 12 Week Results

click on image to enlarge

I’ve received a ton of questions about IF. I’m working on a Quick Start Guide to break down how to get started, how to be successful, and address all the burning questions you have.

The gist of my 12-week body transformation was this:

Intermittent Fasting + Strength Training + Occasional Greediness = Results

A Cinnabon is 880 calories. I ate about six Cinnabons during my 12-weeks of Intermittent Fasting. That’s not including all the restaurant-ing I did. Starving yourself and not allowing for indulgences is NOT the Yum Yucky way to transform your body.

cinnabon Intermittent Fasting 12 Week Results

If you have a daily commitment to your fitness and eat healthy on most days of the week, there’s no dang reason you can’t enjoy your favorite greedy treats.

April 2014 after Intermittent Fasting 12 Week ResultsIntermittent Fasting is a sustainable approach to my fitness. I’m going to continue with it. It’s become habit and I like how it makes me feel. Look for the Quick Start Guide to be rolled out soon and please shoot me any questions you have. XO!

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Calorie Killer Pills and Electro-Shock Weight Loss Collar

At present, I’m too lazy to harness precious brains cells for the purpose of delivering to you many verbose words to form a blog post. So how’s about we explore a visual library of several weight loss wonders instead???

Calorie Killer Pills: Take two pills, 15 times daily, to kill the calories dead. Each 500mg supplement contains a proprietary blend of explosive fat killing power never before tested on humans. But it’s totally safe and all natural.
caloriekillersmall Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

Food Teleporter: While I continue to fine tune my Calorie Transfer Device prototype (for transferring all unwanted calories to your haters) please bask in my Food Teleporter invention instead.

teleporter Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

Electro-Shock Collar for Weight Loss: Can’t put down the doughnuts? Too much barbecue sauce on ‘dem chicken wangs? You will never overeat again, thanks to the Electro Shock Collar for greedy-behavior modification. Delivering 150,000 volts of therapeutic electricity directly to your brain stem — that’ll teach ya not to overeat ever again. If you don’t need one of these I’m sure you know someone who does. Makes a great birthday gift ‘n stuff.

electriccollar Calorie Killer Pills and Electro Shock Weight Loss Collar

So there ya have it. Big on visuals with as little words a possible. Thank you and have a wonderful weekend of fitness — or go have yourself one helluva food coma. Whichever one you prefer best.

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The most balanced meal you’ve never seen in your life… until now.

If you thought you were gonna find here today some sauteed chicken livers & steamed wombat claws as a fine example of balanced meal-ing, then I’m sorry to disappoint. You better click away right now.

balanced meal The most balanced meal youve never seen in your life... until now.

Broccoli in the middle. One hot dog on each side to create proper balancing of the dinner-meal. Sadly, I forgot the mustard.

All that wonderful talk about intermittent fasting and clean eating does not change the fact that I eat “normal” meals for dinner. I eat what my family eats. Don’t even sweat it.

In a perfect world those hungry child-spawns of mine would enjoy grass fed meats that I slaughtered myself, complete with a side of organic cheeses and hand-plucked spices harvested during my travels to the remote mountaintops of Indonesia.

But my ass is exhausted after work. I do what I can to make it nutritious. If that means a nice, uber-healthy meal, then great. But if it ends up being a can of Chef Boyardee? Well that’s great, too.

If you think this meal is fancy, just wait until you hear about the bag of frozen meat patties made from mechanically separated poultry parts that I bought on purpose. That particular meal is also known as, So Damn Tired Chicken Sammich Night.

Do you find my family cooking style to be appalling or applauding? Please…go on. Tell me more about it in the comments.  

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That time I almost caught a tapeworm.

I was 10 years old. It was 1983. This a true story, ya’ll. This is what happened me.

My cousin dared me to eat a piece of raw food. And being the bold girl I was?

I did it. I ate it.

Then cousin started freaking out, telling me I was going to catch a tapeworm from the raw food. I hadn’t considered that before gnawing on the food. I was just trying to win the dare. I immediately went hysterical.

Grandma caught a tapeworm once. She ate undercooked pork. I’ve heard her tapeworm stories over and over again. It was like folklore. I could not go through that. Surely my life was over.  I would waste away into nothingness as the tail of a tapeworm wiggled out of my butt. Sorry to be graphic, but that’s how grandma told it.

Hysterical, in tears, hyperventilating and wondering just how long it would be before the tapeworm began to grown inside me — that’s when Auntie walked into the room.

We told her what I did. She would need to call the paramedics to have my stomach pumped before the tapeworm could lay eggs in my intestinal tract.

“What did you eat? said Auntie.

“Raw corn on the cob. I bit off one kernel.” Yes. I was sobbing.

“Huh? You can’t get a tapeworm from raw vegetables!” She rolled her eyes and walked away.

My life stopped spinning out of control at that very moment. And then we poured ourselves some Fruity Pebbles and played Atari. THE END

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